Loud House Revamped, the Longest Fanfiction Ever Made

Well given his seemingly heavy obsession with Ed, Edd, & Eddy, there's a chance his life in that timeline would be the same, with the only difference being that his fanfic involves around the Ed boys in the Cul De Sac.

Well... Either that, or My Little Pony.

 

So in other words, had The Loud House never aired, he'd still be writing a giant fanfic anyway.

 

Pretty much.

 

Oh yea, skipped on a chapter where they bring in Sailor Moon, but to be honest, there's nothing noteworthy about it.

Though another significant chapter that I skipped over:

Chapter 90
There's a chapter where the Addams house blows up and big-forehead Wednesday is the only one to survive. Then there's an exchange where Wednesday info-dumps to us about the Addams.

What... does that even mean? If they've been killed before, doesn't that mean they'll just pop right back into existence? Kinda invalidates the "Last of the Addams" title if that's the case.

Anyway, the gang find the vault and a large pile of gold.

But... you... just said greed is evil... and yet you're just gonna snatch the gold just because Wednesday is the only house member alive? DOES THIS MAN HAVE ANY SORT OF SELF-AWARENESS?

Whatever. So Wednesday gets adopted just like everyone in this goddamn fanfic, the chapter ends, yippee.

Chapter 183

J.D. and some other characters are watching TV and all the sudden, a portal appears. 12 kids exit the portal and reveal themselves to be J.D. grandchildren, from 200 years into the future. Not great grandchildren, just grandchildren. I'm no expert, but if they've come from the future 200 years from this current scene, then I'm merely positive there'd be at least 8-10 generations spanning across the Knudson bloodline in that time gap. Basically what I'm saying is J.D. IS SURE AS HELL MORE OF A GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GRANDDAD THAN JUST GRANDDAD.

Well anyway, it turns the children were fighting some flying spaghetti monster and it ended up throwing them into the past by accident. Oh, and I guess Naruto is one of the kids' uncle.

So we get some scenes where the Knudsons explain their backstories, and Brittney, the goth girl (Ironic since she shares the name of a prep from a certain Harry Potter fic), says she became gothic after...

1. It was just stated Brittney was from 200 years into the future, and yet this implies she was born 13 years into the future. Is this implying Brittney is 187 years old or something? Did James Dean's future radioactive jizz just so happen to make a bunch of babies with insanely long lifespans?

2. MF really had to bring in a real life murderer into the fanfic. Again, tasteful.

3. WHY IS A SCHOOL TAKING KIDS TO A PRISON FOR A CLASS FIELD TRI- Oh wait, that actually happens?

Okay, moving on, the rest of the Knudson kids dump some info, blah blah, then the chapter ends. Oh, and I guess Allenby was pulled from G-Gundam and turned into a Knudson. Why not?

-

Then there's an arc called "Kids & Fire Vs. Adults" where the Numbuhs team up with the Louds to kill Father and, I shit you not, I named themselves "Team Adult Genocide".

So, to repeat... They're manipulative, steal money from dead people, sue kids over bullying, and they happily use the term "genocide" when killing people. THESE GUYS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE HEROES?

Anyway, a bunch of the adult villains get killed off, and then the Hulk just pops in.

The fuck you mean you didn't think the Marvel heroes were real? THERE'S A GODDAMN TALKING WOODPECKER ON YOUR TEAM FOR CHRIST'S SAKE.

So the genocide continues, and it ends with the kids confronting Father and...

Because why not? We need a climatic final boss fight in a firey area goddamn it!

So the kids beat the shit out of father and then a whole wall of text happens.

Not gonna lie, I read the kaboom and my mind immediately went to TF2 Demoman.

Yea because fuck it, let's give a kid a magic shield that can protect them from an explosion that can BREAK THROUGH AN ATMOSPHERE OF A PLANET.

Anyway, Lincoln senses the entire planet is gonna explode because Father or something, so they teleport out of there and leave Father there to die. The planet explodes, they celebrate, and the arc ends.

 

This guy (and people like him) write stories the same way a lot of executive hacks do: pile a bunch of franchises and references on top of each other with no rhyme or reason.

 

It's the flawed logic of "cool thing + cool thing = always WAY PAST COOL" at work there?

 

Examples: Space Jam 2 and Chip N' Dale Rescue Rangers (not the Saturday morning cartoon; the live-action film adaptation of Pooh's Adventures)

 

Alejandro needs to see a doctor and change his diet.

Anybody else noticed that there's some other person just writing their own overly long fanfic in the reviews section for this one?

 

There's another arc called "Volcanic Trip", and it's just the gang traveling across world; also, half of the islands/cities/countries they go to don't even have volcanoes.

One of the chapters, they go to Sumatra where they encounter a Predator and J.D. fights him. Apparently, the Predator is on the same level as J.D., even managing to cut his face with its wristblades. Yep, the self-insert who can surpass Super Saiyan 3, AND take out CELL with a single blast, just got his face scarred by essentially 3 kitchen knives. But surprise, J.D. wins, the Predator self-destructs, they all flee while the island explodes.

So J.D. has a scar now and they continue their trip before heading to Hawaii.

WH- WHAT DID I MISS? WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED IN ALL THE CHAPTERS I'VE SKIPPED?

Fuck, I joked about reading every single chapter but damn, James really gonna make me do so.

Moving onto the Mexico chapter, Lori explains how she came up with the threat of "turning people in human pretzels" because I guess everything has to have some sort of explanation to how they came to be.

After that, they return to America and go to California where they head into a prison for women because why not? So they go in there and come across some chick named Gisele Razor who wants revenge I guess; also, she's evil.

How... can you lose everything if you hate everything?

Anyway, they curbstomp her; I guess none of the guards could be bothered to stop them. Then J.D. does this:

I'm nearly positive that counts as cruel & unusual punishment but don't quote me on it.

They then leave California before hearing about Springfield having a civil war or something so they head over there and...

Bruh, what the fuck, this ain't a war, this is a goddamn city-wide disaster.

Uhhhh.... Didn't Bart help to stop Springfield from being bombed in the Simpsons movie or something? I smell plot holes.

But before I can ask anymore questions, Grim from Billy & Mandy just pops out of nowhere and tells them to shank Mr. Burns. J.D. agrees and says the first thing they'll do is steal all of the money from Burns' bank account.

"The Love of Money is the Root of All Evil"

Anyway, they do that, then they beam the mansion to Royal York without Burns & Smithers because... They then fly down and confront Mr. Burns. Mr. Burns goes to punch him but J.D. just shrugs it off; guess his only weakness are knives. Grim then shows up again and J.D. shoots off both of Burns' legs before Grim decapitates him. Smithers - victim of character assassination here - tries shooting J.D. but...

Yes, I too have watched the Matrix.

After that's done, the gang decide to bomb the city, instead of, I dunno, trying to put out the flame with their wind/ice powers or something. They then grabbed all of the children as well as the buff chick there because fuck Flanders I guess. Also, they put a force field around it because it's basically just the Simpsons movie at this point. So the town blows up along with, supposedly, Homer & Marge, and the Simpsons kids don't show any sort of remorse over their parents' deaths because bad writing.

They return home, the Springfield kids are adopted like everyone in this story, end.

Chapter 328
It starts in the crater of Springfield, and some minor character named Dark Stanley comes out of it as he swears revenge on Mr. Grouse. I dunno, but he makes his way to Royalwo- I mean, Royal York because I guess Royalwoods merged with New York or something. Anyway, he gets there, the kids are ready to fight as they are teleported into the simulator because every fight has to happen in the goddamn simulator.

Surprise, they obliterate Dark Stanley and trap his soul in a book. They get out of the simulator and stumble across Homer's ghost and he's like "Sorry I constantly strangled my son but I'm good now, but I also want to remain a ghost for some reason", and then the chapter ends.

-

The next chapters is just an adaptation of Scooby Doo & the Witch's Ghost, and the only noteworthy thing is that it ends with the villain being burned alive while to a stake, BY THE HEROES I REMIND YOU.

Chapter 335
The kids are building a homemade arcade in the backyard, not much to say other than how Ed keeps flipping back & forth from the smooth-brained kid to info-dumping cardboard.

Anyway, the Eds bring up Ed-Zilla and Ed decides to show them the costume, puts it on and immediately thinks he's the monster like in the episode, then...

WHAT

THE

FUCK

IS

HAPPENING?

WHO'S THE SLAM WITCH?! WHY ARE THEY SUDDENLY BREAKING INTO A SONG?! ENFUABIUFNIB@IQO#HORUQNWODAB

Anyway, after that shit's done, they electrocute Ed.

I dunno. Then J.D. turns Ed's zilla costume into a watch with a snap of his fingers (No, seriously), and now, Ed can transform into Edzilla with the watch. It's basically just Ben Ten's watch.

 

Yea, I saw that as well.

One of my friends read one of those "review-fics" and all it boiled down to were the Loud sisters farting. I'm not fucking with you, that's literally what it was.

 

The Loud House fandom is fucking disgusting. Does 4Chan still automatically move any Loud House thread to /trash/? Just curious.

 

I'm gonna guess yes since I found 0 results when searching for the Loud House, at least in /co/. Not sure about the other boards.

 

This thing is like some kind of bizzare dream.

 

A very, very, very long dream.

 

Anyway, before I move, or skip, to chapter 339, I have to give some more context from the earliest chapters of the fic, more specifically, chapter 23 where the Eds were first introduced.

Firstly, when they mentioned rape, the author wasn't talking about the actual ending of the Big Picture Show... He straight up retconned it, made it so the Kankers grabbed the Eds, trapped them in Eddy's brother's RV, proceeded to sexually assault because they have zero nuance in this fanfic, in which Eddy's brother comes and saves them to prove he actually loves his brother.

Well, the chapter revolves around Eddy and the gang preparing to rip him a new one... Why? 'Cause we're retconning our retcons I guess or something. Also, the Kanker sisters reformed I guess.

-

Anyway, it starts with Eddy, in a van, having a nightmare of the event and Natilee enters and - because she can see people's dreams despite not being in the same room before they wake up - she immediately figures out he's thinking about his brother.

Also, since Eddy's brother doesn't have an official name, the author named him Tyrone.

The gang come together for breakfast and we find the Kanker sisters were the way they were because of their parents, who I guess were as evil as Sam's parents for the sake of being evil. Then they decide head out to Peach Creeks to revisit the Cul de Sac kids before laying out their plans.

But... Eddy was saved from the Kankers by his brother....

Then, I shit you not, they bring out swords and fucking guns before setting off, and Eddy phones his dad over the whole thing, and even the dad thinks they're taking it too far... Before he changes his mind...

Fuck, the one time I thought there'd be some nuance in this goddamn story.

So uh, instead of taking the vanzilla, J.D. decides to pull a bunch of horses out of his ass.

Dunno about you, but all I'm thinking of rn is that 4chan post of a 400-pound neckbeard talking about wanting a giant Rapidash plush to insert his dong into. Also, WHAT?

Just... let's move on. So they get on the horses, Ghost Riders in the Sky starts playing until they land at Tyrone's place. Kevin throws a bowling ball at his door which causes the trailer to tip over. So he comes out, and even he states that all the abuse was in the past plus how he saved his life. Christ, he even points out how Marie is apart of the team despite haven tried to rape Eddy. But nah, the "heroes" are just 1 dimensional and only care about revenge. So they curbstomp him, then the police come and arrest him.

Yea, the dude who clearly showed a change of heart, saved his brother from rape, is put in prison for 56 years... In the same story where the main protagonist forgives and heals a Jedi who MURDERED DOZENS OF CHILDREN AND CHOKED PADME ALMOST TO DEATH.

 

Is this what you experience when you die?

 

If you go to Hell, you can redeem yourself for your sins by reading the whole thing from start to finish.

 

Now, for our feature presentation.

Chapter 356

It starts with an arm wrestling contest, and people betting money on who the winner is... even though they live in the same residence, at least most of them. First, it's J.D. vs. Lady Hokage (J.D. wins, no surprise there).

I think a part of me died from reading that line.

Then it's Ed Vs. Hulk, which the latter wins, before ending with Hulk Vs. J.D..

Spoiler

J.D. wins.

Keep this in mind for later.

We then get awkwardly forced dialogue where Maria is praised for her growth even she did nothing in this chapter nor compete to deserve the compliments. Then Linka, using J.D.'s computer because he gave her permission, barges in after looking into his search histor- nah, I wish, but she says something is happening in the Griffin house... from his computer... somehow. I guess she looked up Family Guy clips on YouTube and thought to alert everyone about it. So J.D. grabs the laptop and it turns out they have a fucking satellite that I guess detects whenever there's shit happening.

Then some character assassination happens:

But... Don't Lois & Peter care for Meg? Wasn't that already established? Apparently, J.D. didn't know. He sees all the abuse and immediately assumes the abuser is 100% evil, and not the Jedi who slaughtered children.

Apologies for harboring on that.

Oh, and we get this gold of a line:

Genuinely on par with that "the traumatic experiences of watching your friends get married, have children, and attain the American dream are akin to the hopeless depression of the schizophrenic mental patient." line from that really awful Dating Game creepypasta.

Also, it's ironic they're talking about how awful abusive parents are, yet they're standing right next to a dad who constantly strangled his dad and yet they just pass it off as him being dumb. Anyway, they head off to Quahog, where we transition to Peter, Lois, Chris, Quagmire, & Joe walking to the park. We get more character assassination as Joe thinks of how Lois & Peter should be thrown in the slammer, despite the fact that Joe once deleted evidence of Peter and his other friends burning down a store, and yet here, Joe is a goodie two-shoes.

Joe then asks if he can go and get his gun from the police station, but why would a cop leave his gun at the station and not his house? Lois declines, saying they need to find the rest of the kids and escape Quahog... Why? Do they somehow know J.D. is coming? Also it was never implied before that Meg, Brian, & Stewie were missing, and besides, WHY WOULD THEY AGREE TO HANG OUT WITH JOE IF THEY'RE TRYING TO FIND THEIR KIDS?!

Also, this:

Damn, I haven't seen character assassination this bad since My Immortal.

So they make it to the park and the Loud gang are just hanging there with Brian, Meg, & Stewie.

So uhh... WHAT THE FUCK WAS THE POINT OF THE CONFLICT FROM EARLIER?! Also, I don't think being given a CD is really an offer, nor do I think we ever learn what the CD contains.

Then they decide to gang bang the parents plus Chris & Quagmire before the police show up.

What the hell happened to the whole "transforming at will" plot point at the very beginning of the chapter?

Christ, there's so much pointless dialogue in this goddamn story, it's legitimately painful. Also, Bonnie, Stewie, & Sailor Moon just curbstomp Lois.

So talking about rape is fine, but uncensored swearing isn't? Whatever. Then they kick the shit out of Chris and Quagmire, Lucy throws random bullshit that makes Quagmire see dead hookers before Sam gives him CBT. Then they just flee the scene with Meg, Stewie, & Brian. The other Griffins get cuffed and...

What is it with this story and its obsession with insanely high bond-amount/life-sentences/restitution that'd make all those GoAnimate grounded videos blush?

Anyway, back in J.D. residence, Lisa turns Meg into a goth girl and the latter exclaims of how darkness is everywhere and it's so cringe-inducing. Also, Stewie & Brian are painted as goodie two-shoes as well despite... you know... So the Griffin case is broadcasted on the TV and uh...

But... Peter didn't lie about Meg wrecking TV to prevent her from having friends... he lied because he didn't want a crowd of rioters coming for him.

Then the gang decide on what to do with Quahog, over one person that was constantly abused...

Uhh, yea...? YOU THINK?! ALL BECAUSE ONE TEENAGER CONSTANTLY GOT HER SHIT PUSHED IN?!

They suggest getting all the redeemable people there out of Quahog because god forbid the idea of reforming the town be brought up. Christ, could you imagine if these overpowered MFs existed in real life? They'd make North Korea look like paradise.

Anyway, the parents are found guilty as well as the classmates and teachers who bullied her.

For fuck's sake, all for some shit they talked about Meg. So the Griffin's are declared "America's Most Hated Family"; yea, not the incest rapists who went after an entire community (Nor the dozens of family vloggers on YouTube), but a family with a dad who farts in his daughter's face. The James Wood school gets closed down rather than just firing the teachers. The Griffin house is demolished and the remaining Griffins are adopted into the Loud House. Finally, Quahog gets declared "the worst town to live in..."

Uhh... who's gonna tell James about Chernobyl?

 

Holy crap, Lois. This is worse than the time we got arrested during some guy’s ridiculously long fever dream of a power fantasy.