Cooking with Jack | Jack Scalfani

Today I present to you horrible entertainment that will make you nauseous, right here on Youtube. Jack Scalfani is an incompetent chef who had his own thread on the Kiwi Farms but was only a passing curiosity on the site since he paled in comparison to the eldritch horrors featured on the site. However, that should not remove from how hilariously inept he is at cooking, especially when it comes to bringing something to completion; you'll see what I mean. Here is his work:

Here's him injecting melted butter into a turkey like that episode of Aqua Teen Hunger Force where they flash-fry the cow after injecting it with cheese.


Here is him failing to put pickles into a jar of vinegar, since that's all it takes to make pickles.


Here is him eating a raw fucking chicken.

 

He was a favorite of mine on the Farms, and his videos are great entertainment. Not educational at all, but entertaining in the sporking way. With booze.

 

Oh yes, he also loves to drown his food in alcohol, because getting drunk is the only way you can stomach eating his raw meat. Actually, is he always drowning his food in alcohol to kill the salmonella?

 

"The tiny bubbles surfacing that's called a simmer. We're going to leave this."

Yet it's boiling like hell after the 90 minute cut. Wait 90 minute cut.. he boiled that junk for 90 minutes.

 

Now remember, he failed the act of putting pickles into a jar of vinegar.

 

Another fun video series includes him using products incorrectly and then blaming his food's outcome on said product, while it's actually just his subpar cooking skills that does it.

Case in point, the Magic Bullet video where he nearly breaks it twice in ten minutes like a caveman:

 

Let's not forget his selective eating of the "best" part of the chicken in that McCormick Bag 'N Season video. The only way it could get better is if he admitted the chicken was for vampires.

 

In this video, Jack creates a tumor out of yeast, flower & honey. He then drowns it in cerebral fluid & flattens it out with a bottle of Gatoraid because he's a chef that doesn't own a rolling pin.



Jack is such a backwards retard that he puts all of his TOPPINGS underneath the sauce, of which he spreads almost none on before covering it in cheese. I repeat, he has pepperoni underneath the pizza sauce.



In this one, Jack raids his child's play-doh set & genetically engineers an abomination that hisses at him like a cat. Realizing his sin against nature, he tosses the abortion and starts over.



In this, DarkSydeJack eats four raw pizzas. He is autistic and lazy enough to refuse rearranging the pepperoni slices before cooking any of it and gets mad that they were arranged poorly after cutting it, which surprises me because I was expecting him to eat it whole by starting at the rim.



In this one, he cannot even wait long enough for the cheese to melt before pulling it out of the oven and judging it.

 

I think the best part about the pizza he made was the one that was so bad even he rejected it was a newer video. That's a charm to Jack, he gets lazier and lazier with his videos, all while shilling more and more products to him. He really is the DarksydePhil of cooking; a guy who you cannot help but look at his how tos and then laugh as he fails.

Speaking of funny, here's a video where he gets mad his chili didn't win. I wonder why that is the case:

 

Did he just shit in a chamber pot and serve it as food at a competition? I ask because that so called "chili" looks like diarrhea, the kind where your bowels immediately evacuate what you just ate mere seconds after you ate it.

I'm not even at all surprised that every one of his ingredients are premade in a can. If his local 7-11 carried canned meat, that'd be all he use. That just makes it all the more ironic when he accuses the other participants of somehow cheating, considering his only contribution to his own entry was signing the consent forms. How much harder could you possibly cheat when 98% of the prep work was done before you got started & you just slapped together preemptively finished products?

When you really think about it, what he did is the equivalent to assembling a jigsaw puzzle and taking credit for the artwork on the pieces. That really is just how divorced he is from this sewage.

Don't you just love how he and his white knights have to blame the kids and teenagers at the competition for not having a refined enough taste? What a sore bitch.

 

This has to be one of my favourites.
He calls his son on the phone (who is in the same house upstairs) to come down and watch Jack eat a spoonful of mayonnaise.

 

Eesh. I like mayo, but no way would I just eat a whole spoon like that. Way too rich and it'd probably be disgusting.

 

I can't decide if I wan't to puke or cry how do you fuck up tomato salad

 

That bean salad horrifies me on so many levels. It legit reminds me of a line Ashens once said when regarding a Hunger Breaks tin of food "Just stick it in a tin and fill it with salt and fat and sugar and then it'll taste good". His other two dishes feel... mediocre. The Tomato salad is a horrendous screw-up due to his refusal to measure to cope with his lack of cooking skills and habit of overseasoning.

I also like how visibly disrespectful he is towards his mom in this video when she tries to help him out in this massive fit of unprofessional filming. To the point where he left the conversation in against her wishes, It's these lazy touches that really complement why what he does is so inept it's masterful in its horror.

 

Does anyone actually buy the shit he shills?

Didn't some kiwi buy his atrocious sauce and do a review of it?

 

Yes, he actually has non ironic fans.
His sauces were (not sure if they still are) stocked at several shops including some regional Wal-Marts.

I remember that, they were basically just pretty standard sauces with a lot of MSG.
Same with his "the best seasoning you'll ever taste", it was just a fairly generic blend.

 

Yeah, I believe it was just Walmart level quality but with too much salt in it. Speaking of Jack, one of his buds is like his John Rambo and probably props his ass up considering they film in the same kitchen:

BallisticBBQ is the Gallant to Jack's Goofus, since while his thumbnails are unfortunate, he knows what he is doing, tells you why he does it and the food actually looks legit tasty when it's done.

 

This guy is such a fucking adult toddler.

 

Didn't this guy try to appear on Shark Tank?

 

Something like that, he appeared on the redneck version of Shark Tank called "West Texas Investors Club".
It is well worth watching as Jack was challenged to have a BBQ against some local guy to see how his sauces would compare.
Turns out, Jack doesn't know how to use a grill and the judges had to help him