Chick Tracts

I don't think the average child has a favorite Chick Tract issue...

 

I'm convinced that if he's not trolling, Chick Tracts are the source of Preachingthegospel's world view.

 

I feel blessed with this tiny morsel of milk. Chick Tracts help you appreciate Jesus after all.

 

What makes that image creepy is the blonde girl on the right is actually another DA user named Satanen, whom PreachingtheGospel is obsessed with despite her telling him to fuck off two years ago. he's even written fapfiction about her.

Also in that picture it looks like he's grabbing his crotch. I guess he wants those ladies to worship his little crucifix.

 

Spoiler: There are so many jokes I could make about this tip...

 

I've been reading through the tracts since yesterday, and they are beautiful. It's all so contradictory and all the scientific logic is flawed, it's almost an art form.

 

I have a collection of about 30-40 of them - my favorite being the Dark Dungeon one.

 

Even worse is when they get religion and burn all their D&D stuff, LOL

 

same lol

 

OH NO MY ANTS!!!

QUICK ANTS, CLIMB INTO MY MOUTH FOR SAFETY

OM NOM NOM

 

oh yeah there's a culthulhu tract about 'who will be the first to be eaten?'.

also another side note, some collectors have gathered up this nonprofit series and made blister packages for retail and profit. apparently they can legally do that to a small profit. interesting.

 

Oh, I remember these. Growing up in rural Appalachia and attending several old-school Evangelical churches back then, I saw these a lot as a kid. Even when I was a kid, I knew they were bullshit. And my Christian parents happened to agree with that sentiment, even my devout conservative grandmother considered Chick to be a crackpot.

My favorite tract has to be the timeless classic that everyone always quotes, the legendary "Dark Dungeons". Mainly because I'm a tabletop RPG player myself and of all his tracts, it's one of the most over-the-top.

Another lulzy one is "The Last Generation" (my second favorite after Dark Dungeons), which is about the dystopian society of the End Times. The 1972 original is rare and tapped into fears stemming from the Cold War and the 70's oil shortages, but the 1992 reprint that is featured on Jack Chick's website is completely batshit crazy even by Chick Tract standards. It features an evil New Age Healer in a superhero suit, an evil kid in a Hitler Youth outfit, a UN-sanctioned religion that somehow mixes Wicca, Satanism, and Buddhism which somehow is also led by the Pope, a government program that gives people free drugs for turning in Christians, evil torture microchips, the Rapture, and a future filled with gay divorcees.

You have to see it to believe it.

 

The Uncyclopedia article on Jack Chick has a copy of it.

 

there was this jabberwocky guy on blogspot or something that would do sporkings of it, and he was a real mixed bag. sometimes he was really funny and clever, but oftentimes he'd go 'evangelical atheist', and you know how that goes. even his friends who'd co-spork with him would say 'dude that's obnoxious and not funny, knock that shit off'.

anyway i think he dropped off the web after a few chick tract reviews.

also that dungeons and dragons one with 'go away elfstar, you don't exist anymore' was good.

and that one where nathan lane kissed some other actor whose name i forgot, and they had imps on their heads.

and that one with the genie and all the harry potter actors guest starring.

and fang the dog! who doesn't like the little details with animals fighting or fang the dog!

 

Fang is like CWC's Yawning Squirtle - one good thing to come out of a pile of crap

 

^ hey hey hey hey hey. chick tracts have many golden moments. like ant kid, go away elfstar, that guy that bashed some other guy to death and his own mom took the electric chair to spare him, 'never before in our modern times', a drunk thinking about hiccupping and not actually doing it

the hell you talking about, chick tracts aren't loaded with good stuff?

(also side note, sounds a lot like 'cwc tracts. hm, chris should get off his lazy ass, pick up a pen and make that sometime)

 

Even better, replace the dialogue in Sonichu with the dialogue from Chick tracts and vice versa.

 

Oh, sure, there are a lot of weird and golden moments, Fang is just the only reoccurring character that is fairly good - well, maybe Bob Williams the evangelist if you like his creepy uncle vibe

Sorry for the confusion

My favorite weird moment is the construction foreman (there's a black version and a white version) who falls off a building and dies by getting impaled on a spike - couldn't just falling off a building be a big enough cue that he's dead, or did he think seeing a splattered corpse would be too gory

Oh, yeah, ant kid gets saved and doesn't care about his ants anymore - I guess his ants went to ant heaven in the flood or whatever that was going to wipe them out

And the guy's mother who went to the chair instead of her son is a good WTF moment because

1) that's not how the justice system works
2) "YOUR MOTHER!!" *GASP!* - truly one of JTC's greatest panels

What's this about a drunk thinking about hiccuping but not doing it? I've probably seen it but don't remember it.