Meta What If?

If it weren't for the dimensional merge shit, I think Chris would have faded into relative obscurity, with Sonichu being the only thing people know about this whole fucked-up saga.

Although, the whole "you know what" with Barb was entirely Chris's doing, so maybe not...

 

Wasn't that the "radio silent" days where it was a huge deal when he posted that video of him showing off that LEGO "high school" in a McDonald's?

 

Oh yeah, it was. Keep in mind by this point in November 2013, Bob had died 2 years ago, and the Miscreants had disbanded 2 years ago. This was the most interesting thing Chris had done in over a year.

I remember it pretty well because I was a frequent lurker on the CWCki Forums at this time and had lurked since February, and it was only a month before I joined in late December of that year. I had also been in High School for 2 months, but was missing an entire semester from having mononucleosis, which gave me far more free time from being sick at home than I should have had.

A lot of people also forget that despite the massive surge in interest the January 2014 house fire caused exactly 2 weeks after I joined, and how many Christory veterans it brought back, 2014 was actually pretty fucking boring for Chris until the GameStop incident in literally the last week of the year.

 

It's very wat to realize that that incident was already about 10 years ago.

 

That goofy amusing video of Chris filmed outside of his window in November 2014 angrily ranting about a "male idiot" managing a brushfire with an excavator, cartoonishly narrating the whole thing, while calling the excavator a "shovel mech" was easily the funniest thing Chris had done in 3 years, a little over a month before the GameStop pepper spray assault over Sonic Boom. It's honestly still pretty amusing to watch, and one of the funniest post-Miscreants displays of tard rage. All without any outside interference, or anybody intentionally upsetting Chris.

The unfitting music Chris has playing in the background the entire time just makes it way funnier. It sounds like something between music you'd hear after being put on hold on the phone and elevator music.

 

of course Chris is complaining about people doing their jobs
IDK anything about brushfires or backhoes, but isn't that what the operator is supposed to be doing?

 

I think Charb used to have that running all the time, before ban happened because incest.

 

Hey man he still managed to assault a Gamestop employee at that time. It wasn't all bad.

 

What if Chris cut his hair short, washed out the hair dye, put back on the coke bottle glasses, and started wearing the clown shirts again? Maybe even started going by "Christopher" or "Christian" again? What if he were to also ham it up with random access-humor and artificial tard rage just to top it off? I think the only way he would do this would be in a weird attempt to cater to Christorians and attempt way too late to cash in on his internet infamy in a slightly self aware way, because it's one of the only things he has left. Sometimes I've wondered if he would sometimes be willing to do this temporarily in intervals for performances, just for the sake of that.

If there was an ideal time to do this, if that time even ever existed, it would've been before "the incident" in 2021. After that it just wouldn't feel the same, for lack of a better way of putting it.

 

On one hand, I could see someone being able to get Chris to do this if they're able to get into an Idea Guys like situation, but as for Chris doing it himself, I legitimately don't think he's self-aware enough to do that....

I could weirdly see him doing it as a bit to make money if he was in some kind of Flowers For Algernon situation

 

Given how little Chris has left in his life at this point, sometimes I wonder if he's going to do it completely out of nowhere someday still, as much as it wouldn't be as well received as it would have prior to summer 2021. Just think about how little Chris has left in his life at this point. He has no family left, with Bob being deceased for the past 12 and a half years, Cole wanting nothing to do with his brother ever again, and the fact that we don't even know if he's allowed to see Barb again, or if she ever wants to see her youngest son again. His aunt Harriet and Uncle Tom called the cops on him when he was outside their place in Richmond, and gave the Charlottesville PD info that led to Christian's arrest in 2021. The rest of his family like his estranged half-siblings on Bob's side and his 28 year old niece Savannah want nothing to do with Chris again either.

The only friends he has left that we're aware of are Flutter and those Praetor freaks, the former of which is likely a member of that group anyways. He doesn't even have his old iconic trolls left in a personal contact sense, some of whom he developed a strange sense of personal connection with resembling a twisted friendship, like Clyde Cash. Clyde actually felt remorse and felt really bad for Chris when his father died, and last contacted him in February 2012 a week before his 30th birthday when he made a 10 dollar donation to Chris's lemonade stand he was running as part of Alex's Lemonade Stand, an organization that partnered with Lego to have people run lemonade stands to raise funds to fight childhood cancer. Clyde did make a wiseass comment mocking Chris, as one would expect from him, but he started his message with "Good to see you semi-start to change your ways, Chris" which if any bit of that was earnest, I think showed that Clyde may have secretly wanted to see Chris actually improve, even if he knew it would never happen.

What else does Chris have left at this point aside from his irreversible meteoric impact on internet history and culture, and his iconic and humiliating role in it as the biggest lolcow of all time? Nothing, aside from the little gang of fucktards that call themselves Praetor, Flutter, his Lynchburg apartment, an endless parade of dumbass weens, vidya, TV, and Christorians who document what Chris gets up to in public settings. His place in pop culture as the infamous legend of Christian Weston Chandler, the madman behind Sonichu and the biggest, longest running spectacle in internet history, is the only thing he truly has left. Something which is nothing to be proud of, but is certainly something to behold. That's the most he's got where we're at nowadays, the darkest point in Christory. I think it's safe to say at this point, that the classic era and the legacy of it is the biggest thing Chris is ever going to have.

 

Didn't Caden fire the rest of them?

Also "Flutter" and "Praetor" are most likely not his friends at all. I don't think the lolcow has ever had any real friends in his life, because of his bloated ego. Even Sarah -- a "childhood friend" who was totally the "basically promised" "Lovely Weather" -- locked him in a crawlspace and tried to make him eat a toxic plant.

 

I think it's interesting to what extent Chris is incapable of learning.

One of the more glaring problems with Sonichu's narrative is how we are expected to believe in prophecy and yet visions of the future never come to pass. The prophecy that said Sarah would marry Chris or Wes was proven bullshit when she married neither of them, all the promised girlfriends from God himself (Don't you just hate a dad who lies to his own kid?), and even when Chris time travels into the future to fuck Lovely Weather when she mistakes him for his future self... Even though Chris' future self in the comic has a female body...

Which funnily enough reminds me of the running joke of Amy Rose thinking every hedgehog character she runs into is Sonic, which concluded with her mistaking Sonic's werewolf form form Unleashed for another person, and apologizing because she "Thought he was someone else"

Of course Comic Chris being a different gender pails in comparison to the fact that the comic's present is now the Future that Lovely Weather was introduced in and not only is there no sign of her existence, but the Gay Vaccine seems to have made everyone bisexual instead

You would think Chris would have eventually learned to stop making wild predictions about the comic's future after it became apparent that "All prophecies, no matter how much evidence there is for them, are bullshit." was a cardinal rule of the setting

 

Chris-San loiters at sushi restaurants, sake bars, and Shinto shrines in Kyoto, drawing crudely drawn scrolls of himself and his band of "Tanukitsunes", electric Raccoon Dog/Fox hybrids all trying to get laid, defeating wandering ronin who hate true love, samurai teachers who called out Chris-San for loitering and soliciting sex at school, along with bartenders, shopkeepers, and ryokan owners who wouldn't put up with his bullshit and kicked him out. One day Chris-San is doing his usual thing at a Kyoto sushi restaurant, loitering and disturbing customers.

Then the Jerkufu, also sometimes referred to in contemporary Western Christorical literature as the ジャーク政府 or the "Shogunkops", show up to tell Chris to leave if he's not going to use the services of any of Kyoto's fine businesses on these bustling streets. Chris stands his ground and angrily tells off these Shogunate CHARLATANS, and claims that he's only trying to court a TRUE and HONEST geisha to be his 恋人 from the ground-up. Two men step in to politely tell Chris to leave the sushi eatery or he will be forcibly removed, and only then does Chris-San realize he has come face to face with two of Kyoto's most notorious Jerkufu daitenzens who are opposed to true love in Kansai:

Spoiler: The Jerkufu

Chris-San is then exiled from Kyoto as a result of this incident for his obnoxious loitering activities and his defiance of the Jerkufu. Chris heads to Osaka, where he promptly buys new paints and blank scrolls, to make more Tanukitsune scrolls about this grave dishonor that occurred in Kyoto when attempting to use his scrolls to attract a geisha to complete 愛の探求。True love is illegal in Kansai, according to Chris.

 

Wasn't this back when Geishas were men?

 

I think that was earlier in like the late 1700s/very early 1800s, but even if it still was by the 1860s, it's not like a 19th century Japanese version of Chris would've known that.

 

And what makes it even worse is that this status as the infamous "sonichu" guy was a lot more useful to him prior to the arrest. He was almost on Smiling Friends, people were interviewing him, and so on. Now, everyone who knows about him just shudders at the mention, and then forgets about it.

 

a very large distance because he reeks