FB 1/26/17 - Abstinence is a joke

FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, NO ONE WRITE THAT FANFIC.

 

Chris sat in the auditorium because he knew there'd be a chance to get some china from the hipsters who had so effectively blurred the lines of gender. But sadly he had spent some of his hard-earned tugboat money on a ticket to attend the event while the hipsters were protesting outside. To make matters worse, the three people speaking comprised of two of those dang dirty males and an elderly female feminist who probably wouldn't be interested in scissoring with him. He allowed a stress sigh to escape his lips as the elderly feminist spoke. He had spent thirty years on this planet and still he didn't have a sweetheart.

But then his attention snapped to a landwhale who was flailing her arms to and fro. "Keep your hate speech out of this campus!" she screeched repeatedly in protest of what the elderly feminist was saying. Nobody in attendance would accuse her of being the most beautiful woman in that room, but Chris's autism-rattled mind knew that this was the best he was going to do.

He held up his crumpled attraction sign that he kept in his pocket all these years and waved it at her. She noticed it with a pique of curiosity and approached him. He nervously said "Hi I'm Christine."

"I'm Trigglypuff" the landwhale replied. "So you wanna fuck?"

Delighted, Chris took her by the hand and took her home, trusting that she could navigate her way through the piles of hoarded crap. He led her to his bedroom where he offered an interesting proposal. "I don't suppose you'd be up for a massage-a-tron?"

Before Trigglypuff could reply, he retrieved his newest love doll and proceeded to copulate with it with sonic speed. She asked with confusion "What's a massage-a-tron?"

"You know..." Chris huffed as screwing his love doll was taking quite the toll on him. "A three way."

Right after he finished his sentence, he had ejaculated into the doll. She in turn let a stress sigh escape from her lips before she turned around and left. He chased after her hoping that he could at least watch her lick his comeuppance out of the doll. But luckily for him, she tripped and fell into the hoard, which collapsed on top of her like an avalanche of garbage.

"Oh well" he sighed. "At least she'll be there when I recharge." With that, he retired to his room full of toys. He could hear her crying for help, but her words were like a lullaby singing him to slumber.

 

This is amazing but... just because you can do something doesn't mean you should.

 

WUT.

 

Chris lives in a fantasy world where his opinion is always relevant.

 

Chris probably thinks that the only reason he's not drowning in pussy is because everyone he wants to hanky-panky with has taken a vow of chastity.

 

I think chris is right. Its about time he found a guy and settled down. Maybe a nice bear who'll treat chris right.

 

Get him a grizzly bear. That'll be adequate.

 

If I heard someone's parent talk so nonchalantly about their kids' sex life I'd urge them to check for holes in the wall.

 

i know chris doesn't really mean literally children when he means children..
..no wait, doesn't he? i hope he doesn't.

 

Can you imagine Chris' taste in men?
Chris would probably try to send to a sweetheart application to the recently divorced actor, Justin Theroux. Naturally, Chris would claim he has the looks and talent of a young virginal Britney Spears with massive D cups.

 

Oh I can imagine chris believing that so easily. He's certainly deluded enough, and his delusion will only grow the more barb's hold on him weakens.

But chris's taste in men? I see a few things chris would like: A complete beta male who'd take the provider role, probably some guy who's either effeminate or has already gone through some degree of the gender reassignment process. OR, chris will go the other direction and get some leather daddy grizzly bear who'd treat his chrisy-poo right.

Regardless, I don't see chris wearing the pants in the relationship. He'd be like Peg Bundy, sitting on the couch eatin' candy and watching teevee.

 

I think Chris would go for a hypermasculine straight, alpha, cis-man, who has lots of money. This is the only scenario where Chris' female soul has a chance of being fulfilled when compared to a lesbian falling falling in love with Chris, yet it's still statistically improbable.
Break out those Bon-Bons, Christine; after Barb dies, it's dinner for one.

 

Do you want to know how to make people think you are a pedophile?
Just do what Chris does.

 

God, now I have this image of chris actually chasing some poor schmuck, I mean literally chasing him down the street shouting that he should be honored to date a 'pretty girl' like christine. Chris is dressed in his 'assaulting Gamestop employees' garb and reeks of Axe and night sweat. Any man would need therapy after seeing that abomination chasing after him.

Like a real life Barney Gumble in drag.