Erotic Fiction.

Is almost always terrible or unintentionally hilarious. While Fifty Shades of Grey gets points for constant repetition of "oh my" and "my inner goddess" and the classic line, "he's no gentleman, he has my panties!" not to mention, "the fisting I'll agree to, but I'd really like to claim your ass," possibly the best worst erotic novel goes to "Knight Moves" by one Jamaica Layne.

It starts with the protagonist, a toll booth attendant from New Jersey, meeting a gorgeous time travelling knight in the toilet of a Medieval Times thing. After some very improbable shagging, during which her "lady softness" goes "volcanic" and "melty" and suchlike, she goes back in time to his castle, upon where she's put into his harem of lovers from various other times. We also meet a "Hermione the Husky" about which someone states, "I've heard she likes to put pomegranates up her bum."

It only gets worse from there. There's the incident where she ends up with "ladyfingers" in all her orifices and then it's revealed that actually her vajayjay contains a time portal.

Seriously, this exists.

I used to have a PDF of it but I appear top have lost it. Sorry.

What other terrible yet hilarious erotic novels have people encountered here?

 

Here is an excerpt from the seminal - ahem - masterpiece, "Anywhere but There" by R0MANH0LIDAY (TJ Church) on CHYOA [archive].

The writer all good editors approve & all others abhor!

 

Is... Is that an erotic Choose Your Own Adventure type thing?

Funnily enough, that really exists. A Helena S. Paige wrote one called "A Girl Walks Into A Bar" and there's reportedly a whole series of them.

To Amazon!

 

Oh dear god ... @Attachments-senpai, get your ass in here.

 

You do know this means I'm going to end up sending you more cartoon dick pics over Skype to critique, right?

 

Sigh ... It’s the cross I bear.

 

Chuck Tingle is a national treasure. You shut your whore mouth.

 

Since this is a thread for erotic fiction, anyone from the Kiwi remember someone trying to read through shitty drow sex novels?

 

John Clelland's Fanny Hill (or Memoirs of a Woman of Pleasure). I read it for university (did a module on smutty literature in my final year) and oh god, it is simultaneously bad and good. Clelland wrote it whilst in prison and honestly it contains some of the best euphemisms and descriptions of genitals I have ever read. Penises are constantly described as "weapons" or "machines", there's one part where the protagonist refers to a penis as a "Maypole" and another where a secondary character refers to a penis as "the King Member". Everything is described in weirdly graphic detail using purple prose and super flowery language.

It's available on Project Gutenberg for those who fancy reading it.

The Marquis de Sade's 120 Days of Sodom is not exactly funny but good for a read if you like fucked up stuff. Will leave you wondering why he wrote it.

 

Aw, Fanny Hill! Come - ahem - for the smut, stay for the puns!

"He fell directly on board me," Fanny says of her tryst with a sailor. And when he "was not going by the right door, and knocking desperately at the wrong one, I told him of it:—'Pooh!' says he, 'my dear, any port in a storm.'" The encounter concludes with "a warm broadside."

It's pretty much all like that. In fact, it's almost as if the author imagined people would be too ashamed to be seen reading a book of puns, so he added some pornographic content for plausible deniability.

Amazing.

 

Savage Surrender, by Deanna Ashford. A tale of pork swords and sorcery. For some reason it's fallen off Google Books so I can't show you any proof of this but there's a bit in it where the hero's appendage is described as being "as thick and hard as the handle of the Great Broadsword of Harn."

 

I don't remember this, no.

 

Wasn't Fanny Hill the one where she melted in the "sweet death" and he "embalmed her with an injection" or suchlike?

 

I really need to go back through the "Bad Sex in Fiction" nominees and "Uncle Walter's Bad Romance Novels Quotes" and save some of my favorites. But whenever I think of bad erotica, I always think back to this Tumblr post from an editor who prevented a shitty vampire erotica from being published. Probably a double-edged sword because while I salute this editor's good work, this could've been a perfect contender for and possibly a winner of the "Bad Sex in Fiction".

 

I’ve heard tale that someone here may have that entire thread archived (for science, obviously, don’t be a pervert), as well as the SoundCloud readings of said shitty drow sex novels.

 

Nothing will ever top Fifty Shades' tampon scene. I still can't believe that thing was a number one best seller, let alone for as long as it was.

 

One of my ex-girlfriends was reading one of a werewolf and a valkyrie having sex in a lightning storm once. Too bad I don't know the name of it.