Meta Who would you cast in a Chris Chan movie?

Who would you cast to play Chris and his people? Personally, I would cast Benedict Cumberbatch as Chris, because he thinks autistic people are like Frankenstein's monster.

 

Will Smith. Just imagine for a moment, a movie about Chris where Chris is played by Will Smith.

Alternatively, Cage's overacting might be a lot funnier. Just imagine the Bluespike saga with Nick Cage.

 

Jack Black. Just load him up on tranquilizers and let him go.

 

Danny DeVito as Barb

 

Christopher Lee as Bob if he were still alive.

 

Well now that Philip Seymour Hoffman has bit the dust, maybe Paul Giamatti? He'd have to put on some weight but he already has the deteriorated hairline. Or maybe Melissa McCarthy, she's pretty cringey so playing Chris wouldn't be a stretch.

 

The cast of Jersey Shore as the trolls.

 

Only if the movie takes the direction of an autistic musician who hits it big as The Hedgehog Boys.

Other stupid ideas for the "Hollywood" version of Chris that wouldn't be true to the actual:

Let's face it, we're not likely to get an authentic Chris movie. We'd get a sanitized version of the Classic period and they'd recast Chris as this misunderstood loser and put a happy ending on it somehow, and you'd get a comedic actor. So the question is, given that we're getting the bullshit Hollywood version, who could make a good Bullshit Hollywood Chris (besides Jack Black).

Seth Rogen. The personality is 100% wrong, but he could kind of get the look right with a shave and a pair of pedo-glasses and the Classic shirt (hey he can even get the real thing now that the buyer has reneged!). Hollywood would never, ever get Chris right anyway, they'd cast it as one of those "funny weirdo loser guys becomes hero" comedies.

Speaking of which... You all may hate me for this because he's terrible, but Adam Sandler. I said it. Sandler is used to portraying bizarre, backwards mentally stunted characters with no kind of social or economic accomplishments with complex and bizarre ticks, speech patterns and mannerisms. He'd need to chub up a bit or wear a suit, but if he actually tried (he did used to try to distinguish his characters from each other) and didn't just phone it in, that might have some degree of amusement to it. He might pull off an inauthentic Chris.

Cast Will Ferrel as Ian and John C. Reilly as Liquid Chris.

Someone who would do it right and go to extremes to do so:

You would need a serious method actor, someone who was obsessive about getting into their character, someone who would find Chris' strange lifestyle and bizarre behavior and mannerisms a challenge to rise to.

Daniel Day Lewis. He's one of the few I can think of who would be dedicated enough to actually read the entire CWCipedia and watch hours of videos to get the character right.

Johnny Depp. Depp likes doing weird, non mainstream things for the most part, and if there's ever an example of a modern subculture it's Christory. He might put in the effort to get it right.

 

Even better: imagine Will Smith doing Chris's PaRappa contest rap. As Chris.

Also, I could see M. Emmet Walsh being a pretty decent Bob.

 

Scarlett Johansson as one of the potential sweethearts/troll sweethearts
Rosie O'Donnel as Faeryn
Helen Mirren as Mary Lee Walsh

 

The guy who voiced Tito "Dickman" Dick as Surfshack Tito

 

Cole as Chris

 

Chris Chandler: Robert Downey Jr
Ian Brandon Anderson: 90s Paully Shore
Barbra Chandler: Roseanne Barr
Bob Chandler: Abe Vigoda
Kacey: Scarlett Johansson
Clyde Cash: The Rock
The voice of Sonichu: Adam Sandler
SurfShack Tito: Jonah Hill
Alec Benson Leary: John Stewart
Lars: Eminem
The Wallflower: Heather Materazzo

A thrilling adventure about a man, his identity stolen by a sick twisted little waste of skin, and the grueling trials he must endure to prove who he is to the woman he loves.

 

I'd cast someone who hasn't won an Oscar yet to play Chris since playing a retard is always Oscar bait.

 

Executive: I think that we should cast Marlon Brando as Chris-Chan.

Director: I keep telling you, he's too old, and he's dead.

Executive: Granted, but...

 

Megan Fox as both Megan Schroeder and Christian Chandler in a dual role. Or Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen to save on trick camera work and editing.

 

I had to look Laurence R. Harvey up and now I can't stop laughing imagining him going from Classic Chris to Tom Girl.