Maradonia: The Shadow Empire

Paying tribute to the best worst movie that – thus far, and appropriately enough – is confined to the shadows.

TAAASTE ITS POOOOOUUUUUWWWWAAAAAAHHHHSSSS!

 

FAILURE TO PREPARE IS PREPARATION FOR FAILURE!

It says something when a film makes even Assault of the Killer Bimbos look erudite and thoughty.

 

"LEVIATHAN! WE SHALL KILL. THESE CHILDREN!" *OM NOM NOM!*
>Credits play with a still image of a bald guy in goofy looking makeup shoving a snake into his mouth

 

Remember the part when the guard was scared shitless of stock image doves?

 

But what about the doves?

 

They led him to the knee deep pool off screen

 

I still think the bone chopper dwarf (played by "Dave the Dwarf") is the best character. He's just this tiny dude with a sick motorcycle and was the only person doing something resembling acting.

 

Well, yeah...but what about the doves?

 

Apollyon has a Club of Evil and an evil water park in the books.

Seriously.

 

hey didn't someone back on kf do a crazy amount of research on this and dug up tons of really suspicious shit on the people involved? like money laundering and connections to white collar crimes and shit like that

edit:
> evil water park in the books

okay now i wanna read that

 

Yes sir, I did an expose (well, more like a text wall of autistic ramblings) on Gerry and Glo-Glo.
Here's the skinny:

"Dr." Günter Tesch was a German Christian musician in the 70s that immigrated to the US in the late 70s or 80s.
Gloria was born to him and Marina Terkulova Tesch (a Russian immigrant) in 1994 in California.
Günter Tesch was involved in some kind of weird scam involving several companies in different states that "collect donations" for Chinese children, lead by his buddy "Dr." Richy Reichel, Gloria also appeared in some of his videos:




Günter Tesch has a fairly lenghty rap-sheet, including a fairly recent arrest for domestic violence

The Tesch clan owned a property in Florida, but defaulted on their mortgage just a couple of years later and used a loophole in the system to live rent-free for another 8 years or so without being evicted thanks to repeatedly
filing for bankruptcy

 

In case anyone hasn't seen it:

 

He also has a two-thousand-strong herd of pet unicorns, and they sing a song thanking Mother Earth for its blessings.

Spoiler: From the book

King Apollyon stood up from his seat and said, “We want to finish this great meeting with our ‘Mother Earth Song’.” (page 437).
...
Mother earth.., mother earth.., we bless you….we adore you…we give you thanks….you are our mother….you nurture us and you provide for us…. Mother earth.., mother earth.., we bless you…, we adore you…, and we give you thanks… (page 438).
EDIT: According to Conjugal Felicity, they repeat this chorus sixteen times.

 

The cinematography is pretty competent. All the stupid special effects and ren. faire costumes cheapen the look and feel of the film though. The acting is bad, that goes without saying, but at least the dwarf guy is fun to watch.

 

YOU are but WEEEERRRRMMMS and MEEEEEEESRUBLE CREEEEETURRRRRSSS! We will BEERRRNNN your BODYYYY and disPERSE it to the Four WEEEEEEEENDS!

 

That girl who says, "I hope they choke" had me rolling. Best damn person in the movie. She read my mind.

 

Most bad movies made are by people who have at least seen movies. Maradonia is made by people who only know that movies exist and people watch them sometimes.

The end scene where you can clearly see the guy in the green screen suit carrying the sword to King Apollyon put me in tears laughing. Hell, all the King Apollyon scenes are indescribably hilarious.

 

^That's exactly what I was thinking. It's a movie made by people who have never seen a movie.