Loud House Revamped, the Longest Fanfiction Ever Made

I hope it's not that this guy

 

hey @Galhox Ladyankles

How did you find out about this fanfic in the first place?

 

About a week ago a few friends and I were talking about literature and the Smash Bros fanfic came up. Turns out it was dethroned by this one. After reading the TVTropes page I was very interested to read it for myself.

You and me both. If he does I'm blaming you.

 

hey @Ms. Mowz

Remember when I may have mistakenly thought Smash was like "Pooh's Adventures"?

Well it seems this "Loud House" fanfic really is like "Pooh's Adventures"...

 

I do admire his persistence
I usually got bored by a project in two weeks or less, so good on him for doing this for 5 years

 

It's probably all this guy has going in his life

 

Woody Woodpecker literally stopped being a thing for a few chapters. I'm not kidding. I think I remember his name showing up maybe a few times and that's it.

SO, I started on a chapter called "Roughin' It" in which Lincoln is struggling to feel FUCKIN' MANLY because he's worried his sisters are turning him into a girl. It's nothing super weird, but I guess it was another one of those "actual" episodes. Aside from, say, fucking fart jokes invading and I feel like my soul is leaving my physical body. Gross-out humor isn't funny, but gross-out humor that's poorly written is even worse.

So, JD, Lincoln, and the rest of the crew go hiking in the woods to become FUCKIN' MANLY MEN and they go through wild crazy shenanigans like getting attacked by a moose. JD literally points out "MOOSE ARE VERY TERRITORIAL" as if he is a walking wikipedia article.

It continues onwards, however. As a disastrous camping trip gets worse and DA BOYS are faced with fighting fuckin' BEES. There is no drama or tension, obviously. They escape, get poison ivy as a gag, and the setup that is clearly from the show about mud to cure poison ivy is used to fix everyone's itch.

BUT THEN, A WOMAN SCREAMS AND CRIES FOR HELP! IT'S UP TO THE FUCKIN' MANLY MEN TO SAVE HER! THEY LEAP INTO ACTION, TO FIND IT IS NONE OTHER THAN...
What's her name? It's uh... JESSE BANNON FROM... Jonny Quest??
Does anyone even remember Jonny Quest? I watched that back when I was 8 and I barely remember anyone except Jonny Quest, some Indian kid, his dad and his friend who I presume are both not actually gay but are friends. (I stole this joke from @Rin, thanks babe).

So Jesse Bannon has JOINED THE PARTY! I mean- JESSE BANNON HAS JOINED THE LOUD HOUSE!

And the parents of the Loud House are just cool with this. I'm not kidding. Never once do they object about this entire situation. Lynn Sr. (the dad) and Rita (the mom) are just... Kinda cool with it? What the fuck is this place?
I guess there's enough room considering it was set up that Double-D did fix the house, as crowbarred in as that was.

Moving on, next chapter. We now see what is JamesDean5842's weird sense of justice portrayed in a way that I don't know if it was the show's doing or if he made this episode himself.
We are presented with everyone eating lunch at... I forget the name, but it says "Elementary School." WHICH IS WEIRD BECAUSE ED, EDD, N' EDDY ARE THERE, AND ONE OF THEM IS DATING LUAN, WHOM I DON'T KNOW THE AGE OF. AND I AM VERY CONCERNED FOR ALL PARTIES INVOLVED. JD IS THERE, TOO. HOW OLD ARE YOU, YOU BASTARD, ANSWER ME.

But the kids are greeted by a bully who walks in with a boombox. The bully's name? Chandler Henderson, a name I find humorous if only because it sounds close to Chandler Halderson, a criminal who murdered his parents (and as Nick Rekieta will tell everyone, he took a bite, too.)
Chandler is so comically evil- no, not even comically evil, he's overly comical. He's evil because the author needs him to be.
He literally admits after getting beaten up in the cafeteria (and whoever did it suffers no consequence), and then is like "YEAH I DID IT! AND I'D FUCKIN' DO IT AGAIN!"
What did he do? Held his birthday party at a SEWAGE TREATMENT FACILITY TO POISON EVERYONE.
And when that didn't work, he moved it to a NUCLEAR POWER PLANT.
I didn't understand why or how that would work, but the school principal hears him admit this and just somehow has him locked up. The cell he's placed in, (which is in Kalamazoo) is a padded cell in a supermax facility.
With Evil symbols placed on the door of the padded cell. Chandler rants and laughs psychotically.

What the fuck is going on over there with the Michigan prison system?

The chapter ends on a note where the author says "CHANLDER IS JUST THE MOST EVIL PERSON AND I HATE HIM." Not kidding. See what I mean about skewed sense of justice? But I'll continue on in another message. Out of space. (edited)

Okay, so another chapter where Lincoln sneaks in to see a movie called The Harvester and gets spooked. Standard lesson about kids watching shit too scary for them. I relate to his plight if only because I find myself reading wikis for horror games at 3AM sometimes and regret it the next day. Point is, it's not much to go with. The last chapter was amazing, and this wasn't really much of a follow-up.

How about this, though? Lucy, the GOTH sister gets possessed. This is an original one. So somehow Lucy is possessed. And then JD says "IT'S JUST LIKE THE MOVIE THE EXORCIST."
So I think to myself, "the demon is going to be Pazuzu from the Exorcist isn't it?"
And then it turns out, as I think this;
"LUCY WAS POSSESSED BY PAZUZU FROM THE EXORCIST!"
Not Pazuzu from mythology, the fucking characterization from the MOVIE. And Pazuzu doesn't even say "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL!" What a fuckin' letdown.

And then Lucy gained dark magic powers. From a norse God. And to gain such powers you need to have been possessed.
Okay.

Okay...

OKAY I DON'T THINK THAT'S HOW IT WORKS. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Another episode following where a couple of people get the flu. It turns into a funny zombie scenario that is once again from the show. JD has a tranq pistol because... of course he does? Everyone is cured from the COVI- I MEAN, the flu. We also find out that Lynn Sr. doesn't get flu shots because he's scared of needles. Boy, that sounds controversial now, innit. Don't tell Twitter.

Next episode, and it's just an entire tribute to Ed, Edd, N' Eddy, in which we revisit old episodes of the show as explained by the Eds. That's it. It's the whole episode. A tribute to a series that ended and brought back to be told in a less interesting way, (and let's be honest, it's the author's favorite episodes).

Well, let's keep going. Who likes Rule 63? Because we get Rule 63 Lincoln as Linka, who is his opposite from another timeline, who has 11 brothers. Obviously, another ripped episode. Oh, and all of his brothers are sent to jail as J.D. uses a fucking incantation to summon a window to the other universe and see how it goes. It is so LINKA HAS JOINED THE LOUD HOUSE and the parents once again are okay with it. I think they've just given up at this fucking point. You already have 12 kids, you might as well just bring fucking everyone in.
It's also made clear that the author cannot spell the word "protocol." He keeps spelling it "protocal."
But so it ends, and he added Linka because she "wasn't getting attention on the show."

Well okay. One last one, and I'm done.

How about another crossover?
You remember Teen Titans? Remember when WB tried to bring it back with "Titans" and you had that embarrassment of "Fuck Batman!"?
Well, it's not that, but it's pretty bad. We get Teen Titans crossing over into it. With Raven, Terra, and Starfire joining the fray. Only the girls, HMMMMM?
Starfire outright murders Slade with zero remorse. I'm not kidding. He's just dead, and the three girls are sent to the other dimension and show up amidst a lightning storm. The other Titans are like "the fuck happened?" and Cyborg manages to build a device to follow them.
The girls are introduced, and I swear to fuck, it feels like a running gag that every time JD and Varie meet anyone, JD introduces Varie as "this is my fiance, but we won't get married until we're 25!"
It happens every fuckin' time!
And Terra and Raven and Starfire all meet everyone. So you know what'll happen next!

STARFIRE, RAVEN, AND TERRA HAVE JOINED THE LOUD HOUSE!
Chrono Trigger fanfare music
The chapter ends with Cyborg opening the rift, but not before Kole, Argent, Bumblebee, and Volcana join the fray as well. That's right:

THE TEEN TITANS AND (SOME MEMBERS) OF THE JUSTICE LEAGUE HAVE JOINED THE LOUD HOUSE.

I swear to Christ, it's starting to ramp up. It has to be going somewhere. No more of this slice-of-life shit, please.

Until next time, fuckers. Galhox, out.

 

I actually have thought about Johnny Quest recently, but it was entirely in the context of Harvey Birdman and not the actual show.

 

The supermax prison in Michigan is in Ionia east of Grand Rapids though...

 

wow it really is like "Pooh's Adventures"

 

I'm debating on whether or not I should even look into this because this has been mentioned thrice now.

 

It's definitely quite the rabbithole

 

I can only take so much autistic fanfiction before my brain has an aneurysm.

 

I don't know what the fuck happened anymore. Okay, yes I do. I just don't want to admit it. Have you ever felt violated by a fanfiction before? Can I sue the creator for damages as a result of the toll my mental health has taken as a result of this? Am I even alive and haven't dreamt this whole thing up and my coma induced dream isn't just taking over? Well, regardless, the logbook is getting updated, because my mission is still clear.

So we find ourselves at the beginning in which an alternate take on the tornado sequence happens and Lori's boyfriend, Bobby Santiago goes away with the rest of his family. This was so weird and jarring but at least it followed the structure other episodes follow. It was hard to tell if it was an original episode or not and it wasn't even the craziest one. Oh no, this was fucking normal. It was so normal I was a little concerned at if this would be even worth going through, but I did it and got on with my day. All I really remember was the fact that there's a Russian J.D. and Varie that I cannot remember the names of and they aren't important anyways because they disappear. Lincoln has a girlfriend, by the way? Some girl named Ronnie Ann, and they split by the end (because I know what that's setting up for.)

Before I move on, I did find it a little humorous that Russian J.D. and regular J.D. meet and then Russian J.D.- I'm just going to call him "Yosef," has a toy train set. This makes both Lincoln and J.D. very excited. Funny because autism and toy trains. I am so shocked.

So it happens. If I hear Lori say "Bobby Boo-Boo Bear" again I'm going to brain a teenager.

Next episode, but Luan pulls a series of pranks every April 1st, and this year is no exception. This happened once before and I glossed over it the last time, but it's the same here. The Louds hire stunt doubles to take their place while they hang at J.D.'s mansion/castle.

Sidenote: This story takes place in Michigan. The story began as J.D.'s parents winning the lottery and buying a new mansion in Michigan. Of all the places to live and your parents choose Michigan.
And J.D. has parents. We barely see them, and his NOT BATMAN butler Alfred has had more screentime than his parents.

Okay, but I'm getting off-track.

So where was I? Oh right, so tensions were escalating worldwide, and the wars that resulted were increasing the number of refugees- Wait, fuck, that's the results of 1986 VG1 "Ulysses" asteroid. Something far more interesting than this.

Alright, alright. No escaping it. So Luan is setting up pranks and everyone takes cover in J.D.'s house. Things go wrong as they are locked in their own garage and Luan starts causing trouble. The twist was actually good and way too clever for JamesDean5842 to drum up, being that the doubles they hired were actually working for Luan.

"Hey guys, check out THESE doubles."

But the author decided to change the ending and had Luan get her just desserts and was given a pie to the face and flew into an oven full of raccoons. A funny visual, if nothing else. Also it wasn't even April 1st. It was August.

Luan admits that her pranks are bad and I thought it was funny that even Eddy wasn't safe from it. You know, the character that the story shoved them together with.
She gets grounded for two months by her parents and then they say "no pranks ever again."
Good luck with that. Luan is a force of nature, and only the best characterized by being able to tell bad jokes. I relate to that.

But I digress. We're only just getting started.
Following this, we get an episode where Luan is having a bad headache. With little tension or buildup, we find out Luan's shadow... Persona? Shows up? I'm not kidding. But it's not like SMT Persona.

The persona she formed comes out every April 1st. Because she was bullied, so she undertakes this alter ego and does horrible pranks.

These resulted from being bullied about having braces back in 6th grade or when she was six years old. I forget. I also don't care enough to check.

... Fine, I'll go check. Be right back.

Sixth grade. Got it.

Also looking back, Woody Woodpecker shows up again.

And says the most ironic line in the whole series.

"Woody: Violence is never the answer!"

Ironic.

So then the formed shadow of Luan starts attacking. Eddy fistfights her and gets the tar beaten out of him. But Luan summons the strength to fight back and gains a fucking pterodactyl of light that grabs Shadow Luan and drags her ass out the door.

Give Dactyl.

And here, Luan is bestowed a new set of powers.

LUAN HAS GAINED THE POWER OF LIGHT BY SULIS, THE CELTIC GODDESS OF THE SUN!

And J.D. explains reading from his book (that he just has) that one may gain such power after separating from "one's dark side persona." This goes against everything I learned from the Persona series.

And then Woody Woodpecker stops being a thing again.

Oh and Raven says that the real shocking part was "the worst part is you were bullied in sixth grade."

Where the fuck were you when all of this happened, Raven?
Actually, you know what, I'd want no part of this shit either if I were her. Or Starfire.

The story ends with, once again, weird justice happenings by the girl who abused Luan is given EIGHTEEN MONTHS and forced to pay like $100,000 in restitution. Michigan's D.A. makes fucking bank if he's able to get that much over bullying over braces.

Okay, so it's obvious I write these as a I go along, but we've got to backtrack because I glossed over a chapter I read at the beginning. You know why? Because none of what it introduced came into play.

One of Lincoln's sisters gets her leg twisted at a soccer match and then J.D. wants revenge so he calls up the girl who did and challenges her to a fight.

"BRING FRIENDS" J.D. says, and he barks like a chicken.
"OH I WILL" the girl shoots back.

The fight is one-sided by the way, spoilers. J.D.'s so OP but really, who couldn't have seen that coming?

The fight goes between team Loud and the Black Blossom Gang, which is NOT a reference to PowerPuff Girls. I think. Or a reference to people of African-American descent. Damn, I was hoping for casual racism to make fun of the author.

Shannon, who went by "Gaz" (who the story also makes a point that is not the same Gaz from Invader Zim) is a girl named Shannon who drops a fuckload of exposition about her parents abusing her. Everyone takes her at face value and Starfire consoles her and is brought into the Loud House.

SHANNON HAS JOINED THE LOUD HOUSE!
Chrono Trigger Victory Theme Played on a Kazoo.

Okay, Black Blossom Gang is beaten, of course. Not one victory for the street gang. Everyone except Shannon is arrested. Even though she admits to killing, I think.
That D.A. once again gets an obscene sentence for Shannon's parents. Like a life sentence.
Right to a speedy trial, indeed.

And now I move on to the main event. The Simulator Arc. Featuring other media.

LET'S FUCKIN' GO BOYS. I'M GOING TO FUCKING DIE.

(Continued on Second Post)

 

wat

 

So the simulator arc begins. Lisa built a simulator that allows everyone to train their new abilities. Our first simulation begins with Luan, and her newfound powers, who is taken into the final battle scene of the movie The Swan Princess.
It's wholly uninteresting and short. As is every fight scene. Luan wins.

Next up, and you will love the title for this chapter: Knudson vs. Uchiha.

YEP. WE HAVE NARUTO NOW. IT GETS SO MUCH WORSE.

So J.D. shows up in Naruto and then immediately commits telepathy into Naruto's brain.

"NARUTO, HERE'S THE ENTIRE PLOT TO WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU. I AM FEEDING YOU THE INFO TO MAKE YOUR GROWTH AS A CHARACTER NULLIFIED SO I CAN BE THE REAL HERO."

Naruto is stunned for two minutes by a debuff and then says "Ok I'll work with you."
Things go on and then Sasuke shows up.

"SASUKE HERE'S THE PLOT TO WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU AND-."

"Okay I'll join you."

Rejoice.

Then we go back to Tsunade's office. Danzo shows up. Danzo is just executed by J.D. as an order from Hokage Tsunade. Just murdered. With like... 1,000 slices.

Woody: BUT VIOLENCE IS NEVER THE ANSWER. UH-AH-HA-HA!

Get used to that gag. I'm going to post it every time I find a conflicting action to that statement.

Okay so, this all took place in a simulator. A simulator you can feel pain in.

How about we throw logic out of the fucking window and just assume that this is actually an interdimensional teleporter?

Because that's what it is. J.D. then brings Naruto back to the Loud House.

NARUTO UZUMAKI HAS JOINED THE LOUD HOUSE!

Chrono Trigger Victory Theme played on an accordion.

Okay. So now it's established that you can just bring... Simulated characters into reality. So now Naruto is in Michigan. Why does that sound like a fanfic title on its own?

Following, in the next arc of the simulator, we move into Mighty Magiswords, which is a show I've never seen and also don't care. Some clown shows up (he's Kefka in my head) and he gets beaten by Lana. She starts a whole war over it and everyone watches. It ends with victory.

MOVING ON.

But Varie goes in. Into Stephen Universe.

MOVING ON.

WARNING, THIS NEXT CHAPTER CONTAINS BLOOD AND GORE

OH GOOD WHAT COULD IT BE

"HEY, J.D.," Lincoln said, "I NEED TO DO A SCHOOL REPORT SPECIFICALLY ON THE PEOPLE IN DANTE'S INFERNO."

"WELL WHAT A SURPRISE," J.D. said, "WE'VE GOT A SIMULATOR THAT CAN LET US SEE ALL OF THAT FOR JUST SUCH AN OCCASION!"

And Linka tagged along for reasons. So they go into Dante's Inferno for a school report.
What fucking school requires you to talk about this? What is going on with the state of Michigan's public school system? Is it run by Satanists? Should I be concerned?

The town of Royal Woods isroyally fucked* if that's the case.

So J.D. and Lincoln and Linka travel through Dante's Inferno. Take a guess which version we're seeing, because it's not the fucking poem, that's for sure. It's the fucking game by the now dead Visceral Entertainment.

They travel through the nine circles of Hell comment on every figure there. All taken from their excerpts of their own wikipedia articles. Because I bet you anything the author doesn't actually know any of these outside of being helped by Google.

Though Vergil never showed up. Also I laughed when Elisabeth Bathory got mentioned. Same as Cleopatra. Their FGO counterparts probably felt as if they really were in Hell for being in such schlock.

So we get to the end at Satan's Domain in which J.D. destroys him. But it was only a projection! And the real Lucifer shows himself! And the author goes into detail about his figure.

He's large, blackened skin with goat legs and horns, and he is, as the author says "tremendously endowed."

JD gets a monologue from Lucifer and answers with zero self-awareness, "this was for a school report."

Lucifer is like "DON'T YOU SEE!?"

They fight. The sword of Michael shows up.
J.D. slays Lucifer which... Seems like a bad idea for all of Hell, honestly. I don't know what but there's a lot of implications there.

And I wasn't kidding, either. J.D. just gets Michael's sword and slays Lucifer. It's over. It's done.

They bring back some people from Hell that are absolved (because that's a gameplay feature in Dante's Inferno).

No trauma endured. Well, except me. I'm the only one who suffers through this. Everyone else's consequences are freed. Aren't I just a doll?

You guys like Nostalgia? How about Codename Kids Next Door. Remember that show? I watched it a fair bit when I was growing up. I liked it well enough and enjoyed when it ended. Though I was more of a Code Lyoko kid. That was awesome.

Okay, well, Lola goes into KND. Numbuh 3 was my favorite, I think. Mostly because she was Japanese and protected hamsters.

I'm really sidetracking bad. It's because this was just "MORE OF THE SAME." Lola kicks ass and gets medals for all of what she does. She even kills Father and restores the Delightful Children from Down the Lane... An issue already resolved at the end of the fucking series.

She brings literally every member of the KND into the Loud House.

KND HAS JOINED THE LOUD HOUSE!
Chrono Trigger Victory Theme played through a fucking airhorn.

Woody Woodpecker: VIOLENCE IS NEVER THE ANSWER!

But now comes the finale to today's log. It was a long road, but this made it all worth it. All of what I am going to tell you is real. It happened, and it's fucking bizarre.

J.D. goes into the simulator. The soft hum of the machine starts to ramp up as his body is sent off to another world. Lights flicker rapidly. His mind is ready, his lightsaber (the ten dollar one at the clearance aisle at Wal-Mart, obviously) is ready. His robes (some bathrobes) are ready and cleaned (but not ironed). And he's got one destination to head to.

Inside of the Naboo processing station where Darth Maul is fighting two Jedi, Qui-Gon Ginn and Obi-Wan Kenobi. They are battling as the Naboo are taking back their palace against the viceroy.

J.D. shows up and joins the fight. Qui-Gon looks at him and is only concerned with how this fucking weirdo just up and appeared.

J.D. uses force lightning. No, I'm not kidding. And then explains that he's a grey Jedi.

"But those haven't been around for a thousand years."

"I'm from Earth," J.D. explains.

"Oh ok." Qui-Gon nods.

And then J.D. kills Darth Maul and takes part of his blade as a trophy for his collection.

"Wait so can you explain to me what happened?"

"ANAKIN IS THE CHOSEN ONE, YOU CAN'T LET HIM FALL TO THE DARK SIDE BY DARTH SIDIOUS!"

And J.D. disappears.

Qui-Gon doesn't get it but he and Obi-Wan return and the day is over.

Fast forward to Episode II. We're at the Geonosis Arena. The events of Episode II didn't change. J.D. shows up with Windu, though, and the fight starts. Instead, though, J.D. takes off Jango Fett's head. Dooku is killed at some point when the chase happens and it's met at the cave base.

Yoda shows up. For some reason he doesn't question J.D.'s allegiance. Something about a recent injury suffered related to his genitals and a rock. Look, I won't go into it, but he's obviously not questioning it. Dooku dies. I think.

And J.D. just fucks off again.

Watto comes in to sell us stuff and Vinny Vinesauce voices him- Wait, no, that's the Lego Star Wars thing he does. Which, @Rin just loves the Watto voice. :^)

So now we jump to Episode III: It's time. J.D. is going to expose Palpatine. We're going to keep the Jedi Order from falling apart. Yeah! It'll be awesome!

Oh, what's that? J.D. just fucked off again and Padme is confronting Anakin about murdering younglings?

It's the EXACT scene from Episode III but J.D. has shown up. And instead of Obi-Wan showing up on his own, Yoda fucking comes along. And Mace Windu (who didn't die and none of this makes any fucking sense how or why), Qui-Gon, Ahsoka (who fucking J.D. telepathically explained this to), and Aayla Secura (because the author wanted hot blue alien girl to still live I guess).

So they all show up. But Anakin is going to fight Obi-Wa- OH NO HE AIN'T BECAUSE J.D. STEPS IN AND OBI-WAN IS LIKE "YEAH IT'S ALL YOU BRO."

So they fight. J.D. literally just quotes what Obi-Wan says the entire fight.

AND WHEN HE SAID "IT'S OVER ANAKIN! I HAVE THE HIGH GROUND!" I CLAAAAAPPED!

AND THEN ANAKIN DID THE THING AND HE CUT APART ANAKIN.

And then Anakin is going to burn but J.D. uses magic to save him and brings him back. We return to the ship and Padme isn't dead. Also everyone is holding an intervention for Yoda because he's got a really bad habit of fucking himself up with rocks.

"MY BODY IT IS, MY CHOICE I WILL MAKE" he argues.

So Anakin is fucked up. Cut apart by J.D. But he has SEEN THE LIGHT! Anakin gets misty eyed (how the fuck is this dude even able to talk after the immense trauma he underwent?)

Padme consoles him (and we forget he murdered a bunch of children not even hours ago) and he returns to the light side. But the Jedi order is fucked, still.

You fucked up J.D.
You fucked up bad.

So then J.D. returns with everyone on the ship. And when the story said, "the ship lands in the back yard of the Loud House" I fucking spit out my drink. Not kidding. And this again, was from a simulator.

And we rebuilt the Jedi Temple over an old Detroit Baseball stadium.

STAR WARS IS IN DETROIT.

"WE'LL REBUILD THE JEDI ORDER FROM HERE AND RETURN ANOTHER DAY."
We're at chapter 50 now. I still can't believe I've come this far.

 

also wat

 

Wait, Chapter 50? You have more patience than I have

 

You'd be surprised how much I can do when I'm listening to this through TTS.

 

Didn't the guy that made Loud House got outed as a sex pest?