Let's Riff: Kingdom Hearts 3D [Dream Drop Distance]

Introduction:

Kingdom Hearts is back, now with a subtitle that's equal parts confusing and stupid, pandering to vocal minorities at the expense of a mainstream audience, lazier movie rehashing, and even more convolution than ever before!

Sources used for this riff: The Kingdom Hearts 3D GameFAQs script and Dream Drop Distance: The Movie.

Will contain spoilers although I don't think anyone cares.

Let's begin.

[Insert intro here - Simple and Clean (instrumental)]

That song's really lost its effect the more they've overused it throughout the series.

Skipping the beginning scene With Braig and Ansem, it adds nothing.

Sora: But how far could a raft take us?

Riku: Who knows? If we have to, we'll think of something else.

Their post-puberty voices on the KH1 designs never stops being jarring.

[A storm comes, and suddenly Ursula pops up.]

I didn't realize Atlantica was so close to Destiny Islands...

Ursula: Oh, he was right. Those wretched guppies are here. Well, it's about time we settled the score.

Who's "he"? Not that it really matters, since this moment is never alluded to again.

Sora: Ursula? But how-- Is this the test?

Good question, how did a raft take you to another world altogether?

Riku: Come on! You can work it out later!

Way to confuse the people who didn't unlock Re:coded's secret ending...

For those not in the know, Xehanort, the main villain, was revived due to a never-before-foreshadowed rule about how killing a Heartless and then a Nobody revives the person and now Sora and Riku must take the Mark of Mastery exam in order to become Keyblade Masters. Yeah, because saving the multiverse isn't nearly as impressive as smacking around orbs!

[They beat Ursula and fall underwater. Then their Keyblades point at a Keyhole. A brown cloaked figure stares into the water.]

???: This world has been connected.

Which one, Destiny Islands or Atlantica?

[Next scene takes place in Yen Sid's Mysterious Tower. He basically tells Sora and Riku that they'll be reset to level 1.]

What was with that Ursula boss battle then? You could have just started the game at this point and not only would nothing be lost, but the product would be better (not by a whole lot, though).

Sora: But that's a formality, right? I already proved myself. Me and the king, and Riku--we can take on anything. Right, Riku?

Translation for this line: This plot doesn't work on any level, and there's no reason why they should have to take an outdated exam.

Riku: I don't know.

(Riku summons his Keyblade)

Riku: I think that in my heart, darkness still has a hold.

We've already covered this in Chain of Memories and KH2! This is just a repeat of his character arc in those games!

Riku: Walking that path changed me. I'm not sure if I'm ready to wield a Keyblade. Maybe I do need to be tested. ANGST

[Sora agrees to take the test. Donald, Goofy and Mickey exchange glances, apparently sharing my opinion of this whole thing.]

Next time, we head to Traverse Town. Gratuitous TWEWY cameos, weird looking creatures, and an ugly new outfit for Sora await us!

 

Faithful Hearts definitely has its issues, mainly pacing, but Dream Drop Distance is just terribly written and executed overall. Still, I agree, there's no excuse for the published game.

 

I can't wait for KH3 to come out in 20Never!