Cooking with Jack | Jack Scalfani

Okay so like I get the omelette thing being gross but fucking hell his inability to pronounce poutine is aggravating. He even looked up a pronunciation and still couldn't say it.

 

The poutine thing isn't the only thing he's done that's infuriating. Back then, he tried to make Yorkshire pudding. First video, they just looked like pucks you'd put fruit and whipped cream in. It was enough to cause something of a shit storm that he had to make a re-do of it.

 

Since I dumped 'em on the Farms, might as well dump 'em here. Here are Jack's four worst videos as voted by a buddy and me:

So let's start with the mildest of his four fiendish videos. In this miscarriage of the culinary arts, Jack and his Mexican gardener manage to completely screw up every single step in making a good burger. To quickly sum it up; he used too lean a cut, he overworked the meat that was already overworked due to being tube meat meaning the steam isn't venting right, he made their patties too thick to cook cleanly through, overseasoned them horrendously, halfassed some pepper jack and could not be arsed to toast his buns.


Now let's get into the meat of this shitfest. In this shrieking abortion made of digital impulses, he completely mangles a Brazillian dish. He managed to fuck it up so bad that the food looked barely cooked after an hour of heat. But to really sum up his sins as a chef; he forgot that in stews... you need a broth for the food to cook in. He forgot the pillar that stews and soups live from.


In this drug fueled nightmare, Jack actually goes above and beyond his worst impulses. He actually serves a raw chicken and pretends it is cooked without even putting it in the oven. Seriously, look at how pink that bird is both inside and out; it's so egregious he panned out so he can hide the fact he didn't do his job as he eats it. He did this after super-heating polenta so bad that a whole stick of butter sublimated hitting it; it literally vanished into another dimension upon hitting it.


And let's finish off with his worst cooking video ever. He managed to somehow find a way to fuck up bangers and mash, a super simple British dish that is just sausage on some mashed potatoes with gravy. He did this especially with the mash, which came out like wallpaper paste. But what makes this video magical isn't the horrified plastic cow, or the pressure cooker that called his food poo. No, it's the fact that over 3/4s of the video was shilling for Jack's idiot friend's store. The winner though is even his friend doesn't stock his sauces so.

To cleanse the filth, here's his Gallant, BallisticBBQ teaching how to make burger:

 

That Mexican hamburger looks like a meatball served on a palbano pepper.

 

This food is an edible hate crime.

 

His attempts at cooking non-American (and non-American sounding) food would no doubt be an insult at worst like his Yorkshire pudding. Since it was mentioned earlier that he was the DSP of cooking, DSP's cooking with the king may not be as bad in comparison to Jack's cooking (at least in terms of what might look edible).

That said, the BallisticBBQ video is leagues better in comparison (not to mention, the food from him is mouthwatering compared to the salmonella slop Jack makes.)

 

I'm british and I can tell thats a ruined pudding but christ you think he would look it up online first.

 

He does for quite a few of his videos, but he'll often arrogantly change the recipe on the fly or completely fuck up measuring how much to put in a meal, thus making it worse. The best example of this in action is to see what he says is a teaspoon; he uses tablespoons for it simply due to his incompetence. In the Bloody Mary burger he fucked up, he arbitrarily wanted to put more celery into it, so he choked it with balsamic vinegar and poured it all over that poor abused meat.

 

I thought you guys were joking when you said his sauces were stocked in Wal-Mart, so I looked it up and apparently they were actually sold in Wal-Mart. It felt like discovering that the Maradonia books were sold in Chapters.

 

Trump is the president. There's no bar anymore. Fuck I could take a shit and sell it with enough effort lol

 

THATS WHOLE BLACK PEPPERS
THATS TOO MUCH PEPPER EVEN IF IT WAS GROUND

 

"WARNING: Do not let bags touch the outside of the pot it will melt and stick to the pot"

Hey, uh, maybe you shouldn't cook your food in plastic containers that will fucking melt?

 

Goddamn that 1991 Sears catalog ring he always wears.

 

I was playing some of his vids for cringe and one of my friends said "Why do you watch it if you don't like it? Why are you making fun of him?"

To be fair this is why I watch Chopped and everything else. To watch things burn

 

Him, Preston, and moviebob all belong to the goatee wearing man toddler club.

 

IF one wanted to answer your friends question even further, it's all like those terrible reality shows where it's akin to a trainwreck. You just can't help but watch it all crash. In Jack's case, it's watching him fuck up even a simple dish and eating meat that's undercooked with the possibility of things like worms and salmonella.

 

ITS FUCKING RAAAWWWW