The Emoji Movie (Yes It's Real)

I just so happened to read the first page of the screenplay. Here were the first lines of dialogue:

INT. Some kid's room, night.

MOTHER: Good night, Leonard. Don't stay up too late, now.
BOY: Just shutting down, Mom. Nothing much happens on my phone after dark.

The boy sets his phone on alarm mode, puts the screen to sleep, turns out the light, and goes to sleep himself. A beat. Then, the phone's screen lights up.

Zoom in on: The information stupor highway, to the tune of some ripoff "I'm a Believer."

 

Oh my god, who wrote the script for this garbage film?

 

Or, at least I think it is.

 

'Tis fake. But, in the words of that friend on Facebook, it might as well be true.

 

Oh right

The film is such a lazy piece of shit that I could see that being real lol

 

I'm already believing it.

 

I honestly hope this flops but inside I know this shit is gonna break box office records. Not to sound too overly cynical, but normies will watch absolutely anything if it's advertised enough; like that shitty Seth Rogan movie last year about food items that curse and smoke weed.

 

Nobody has good judgement.

 

lol Patrick Stewart is a piece of shit

Idk, this might be entertaining in a trainwreck way. From the trailer, it doesn't sound like it's a movie that takes itself too seriously.

 

Somebody knows where the bodies are buried.
Not even joking, I think Sony may be calling in some blackmail on this one.

 

I just read that unbelievably autistic press release. I was not nearly high enough to appreciate it.

 

I didn't understand a lick of it. So much for emojies being a universal language.

I also want to say they dropped the "Express Yourself" subtitle and are releasing it to theatres simply as "The Emoji Movie" because they think that will put more money in the bank by putting the bankable brand up and center.

 

I like to think it's because they realized there aren't going to be any sequels.

 

... fucking hell. In 100 years, when people look back on this day and age to analyze it, they'll find this movie. Let that sink in, this is going to be part of our legacy. lol

 

I would love to see the unedited board meeting where a guy stood up and said "why don't we make a movie about talking emogi's". I would also like to know why the next person to speak didn't say "you're fired".

 

Maybe I could try to decipher it. I have been trained to understand the confusing language of "old people trying to be hip".
Also, just as a reminder to everyone, this was cancelled to make room for emojis.

UPDATE: I deciphered the press release. I will show you the results later. I just need a break from reading that gibberish, is all.

 

Sorry for double posting, but I think it's about time to show off my amazing deciphering skills

Spoiler: I had way too much fun with this

Culver City, CA, October 10 2016 - Sony Pictures yells at us today that tony BIG RIGS winner James Cordon (rightway signpost to the Trees) and Emmy nominee Ilana Glaze (Broad Stock Photo of Generic City) would join previously blackmailed T.J. Millar (Skull Turd of the I) to lead the cast of the Angry Sun's 2017 animated """"comedy"""" Emoji Shaky Camera: Express Yourself!
Emoji Snuff Film: Express Yourself powerwords the never-before-eyeballs secret bizarro world inside your product placement. Inside the RPG word balloon app is Textopolis, a bustling Twilight Zone where all your feels emojis live, hoping to be selected by the shitty Apple product's user. In this Earth-themed beach ball, each emoji has only the [1] keyboard button facial expression - except for Gene (T.J. Millar) an (sic) Dreamworks Face Emoji who was born without a filter and is bursting with multiple personality disorder. Determined to become "normal" like the other Emojis, Gene Enlists the help of his fingering best twosome Hi-5 (James Corden) and the notorious Tom Preston Lesbian Pirate Emoji Jailbreak (Ilana Glazer). Together, they embark on an epic "app-venture" through the apps on the iPhone (tm), each it's own wild and """fun""" Water World, to find the code that will wrenched the fuck out of Gene. But when a greater danger sign threatens the royalties, the fate of all emojis depends on these 3 unlikable orgy buddies who must save their beach volley before it's orange Fanta'd forever.
Kristine Tubgirl, President of Sony Pictures Animation, commented on the megaphone saying, "Over 6 billion are texted every rising sun (citation need), and Emojis have become a copycat Earth language that transcends Ray Jones and """culture""". The power of Emojis is that they allow you to express yourself in a horsefuckin' and very cancerous way, and that is what are gay porno is about: self expression. We are very lucky to have some of the """brilliant""" and """funny""" bringing their unique microphones to this copy of Two Girls, One Cup."
Adds director Ant Hony Leondis, "Hi-5 is a Master Hand emoji who is a highly motivated, and highly Dramacowey, hand on a mission (THE KING), and the brilliantly versatile, ebullient and always heart level-able James Corden fits this part like a glove (NOT FUNNY again). For the 'break all the codes' butt pirate Emoji Jailbreak, Ilana Glazer is a free-to-play-spirited, fearless, and obnoxious actress to make babbies really feel the fisting 'nobody's gonna keep me in a cage' attitude this """character""" exudes. And, of course, T.J. Miller has proven himself to be 1 (citation needed) of the most genuinely inventive comedic actors around, uniquely capable of connecting and who can convey just about any smugness - and often does!"
Sony Pictures Animations' Emoji Shlockflick: Express Yourself, which will take place through some of the most popular and Earth-shattering recognized Shitty apps, is produced by Michelle Raimo Kouyate (Pussy in Leather Boots, Silver Linings Play with Books) and will be released in empty theaters by Columbia Pictures on August 11, 2017.
God help us all

Of course, I had to take a few creative liberties

 

do NOT sign me the FUCK up bad shit ba̷̶ ԁ sHit thats ❌ some bad shit right th ere right ❌ there ❌ ❌ if i do ƽaү so my selｆ i say so thats not what im talking about right there right there (chorus: ʳᶦᵍʰᵗ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ) mMMMMᎷМ НO0ОଠＯOOＯOОଠଠOoooᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒ Bad shit