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Stones to Abbigale by Onision

Discussion in 'Books' started by Galhox Ladyankles, May 15, 2021.

  1. Galhox Ladyankles

    Galhox Ladyankles Lady of the Library

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    Quite possibly one of the most horrendous pieces of literature I've ever had the displeasure of reading through. Sold on Amazon under self-publishing for about, oh, ten dollars I think? It's a book that tries way too hard to be deep, written by someone who outright admits he hasn't read a single book since high school (being that he was about 32 when he wrote this, that's about 14 years difference to not ever read anything.) To him, his "book" was the last thing he ever read at the time.

    [​IMG]
    My review is an attempt to recall everything I've read of this book. I'll be posting chapter by chapter to save myself time instead of writing this all at once.

    Chapter 1: He Didn't Make Chapter Titles So I'll Do It For Him

    Stones to Abbigale begins with our protagonist, James, who is a 17 year old high school at a high school I can't be assed to remember. Something like Lakewood high school or some stupid horseshit. It's not important. None of this is important.

    It begins with James waking up after having a dream and talks about how he's been emotionally "unexplored for years" and how he didn't understand anything without solving what "love" is. He awakens in his room that is painted white and says that it was out of an "act of self-harm" and that he regrets it entirely. At this point, we barely know what he's about.

    He notices his alarm clock has stopped working and continues to pontificate on how it "illuminated a blank stare." A bizarre choice of words to describe a clock, surely. He then proceeds to leave his house without breakfast, and goes off describing himself as "casual and dorky." Up until this point, I've felt zero of any "dorkiness" that emanates this character. It reads like someone who watched a couple of YouTube philosophers and now feels as if they're an expert on the subject.

    Moving on, as we've only just started this miserable mess of literature.

    James, late for school, grabs a tardy note (written by... him, I guess?) grabs his roller skates and heads for school. He passes a couple of students, Lauren and Raymon (Ramon?), one of these students will never get mentioned again, or have dialogue with their name showing up. He comments on how they're both cutting class to hide in a church somewhere to smoke and make out. This is also never really brought up again.

    James arrives at his history class, headed by Mr. Hanson, (I want to call him Mr. Hansen and make a couple of "have a seat" jokes, but I'm sure that's been done to death). Mr. Hanson is described as anger-prone and I think I remember him mentioning him being overweight, but I can't for the life of me remember any actual details about his physical appearance. Then again, that's not even Mr. Hanson, that's every fucking character in this book.

    James sits down in class and goes through it with really no interest at all, whatsoever. Once class ends, James leaves and Mr. Hanson tells him that "we still need to talk" but James pretty much shrugs it off and says "I can't be late, I need to go stalk this goth girl and get the plot rolling!"
    Obviously, Mr. Hanson knows what it's like to want that qt goth gf and let's him off the hook. Mr. Hanson does nothing to stop him and this isn't the last time it will happen. In fact, James does a fair amount of shit and gets away with it with little consequence for his actions.

    By this point, you're probably wondering "well, the story sounds pretty awful, but what about the grammar?"
    I think the best way to put it is that you should steer clear from reading this in an effort to gauge what proper syntax is, like, at all. I say this as someone whose editor has to correct them on incorrect comma placements in dialogue all the time, but dialogue isn't formatted at all properly. Oftentimes, he'll format his dialogue like this:
    She said, "hello."
    I said, "hi" back.

    And even then that's probably not right.

    I took a break from writing so I could actually LEGALLY ACQUIRE A PDF so I could provide examples. Sometimes seeing is believing, especially with garbage this bad.

    But back to the story at hand. James heads over to his next class, which is art, taught by Mrs. Stanley. Before he arrives, a fight is breaking out with a jock and some other kid getting the shit beaten out of him. James bloviates about how it seems so barbaric for men to fight with their fists and how it's so awful for anyone to do anything like that.

    James proceeds into his class, and sits down. Those same jocks that were just mentioned come storming into art class screaming "DUDE I THINK JOHN'S DONE BRO!"
    This is real.
    It's at this point we're then introduced to our... Antagonist? Except not really?
    Jason is just an asshole jock football player who likes to fight, talk a bunch of shit, and... Fight? He's also the character I could potentially seeing having more character than the book's own protagonist, but that's only because I needed some way to cope with the fact I was going through this awful mess.
    "We won't see them for a week at least," Jason says, laughing. This fight with John is never brought up again, and nothing happens to Jason from it. It just kinda sails by.

    So, now we're in art class, and I had just mentioned that James had a cute goth gf he wanted to stalk, so I'd better not delay it.

    Art class begins and Mrs. Stanley gives some stupid art project as a handout for everyone to, quote, "take one thing you and your partner own, and put them together. The two will become one."
    I've never done art projects like this, and I don't know if I've ever been told to destroy my own property in order to make some "art" with it. Maybe it's a new age thing, or maybe Onision is just really fucking bad at coming up with ideas.

    Now, looking it over again, I thought James barely knew this girl, and this was their first encounter, but I was wrong. James is obsessed with this girl named Abbi. Abbi is some goth chick who's quiet all the time, and for some reason, he's just head over heels mad in love with her.
    upload_2021-5-15_22-26-32.png
    upload_2021-5-15_22-26-46.png
    This is the exactly how it reads. It's so overly wordy it's hard to gauge what the fuck this dude is saying. James just continues on how important she is, like some serial killer who's about to cut off this chick's face and wear it over his penis. I'm exaggerating, just a little, but we've seen zero dialogue of these two interacting. It's just simply "I'm madly obsessed with this woman for no real reason."
    It makes no sense for this guy to be in love with her. I get it, she may be attractive physically, but we don't even know what she fucking looks like. We don't even know what James, our fucking protagonist, looks like.

    So while we're in class, Mrs. Stanley goes on about pairing people up and how if you have complaints, ring her 1-800 number (though it's written as 1800 in her dialogue and that makes no sense when formatted that way).

    James then goes off talking about some weirdo named Alex and how he dreads being paired up with him, recalling some memory about how he peed in a jar. No, really. He goes off about how this guy Alex pissed in a jar and how he's some weirdo for it, but it's never at all brought up again, so you'd wonder why is this relevant? Who gives a shit?
     

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  2. Galhox Ladyankles

    Galhox Ladyankles Lady of the Library

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    So then Abbi raises her hand and asks to be paired up with James because the story needs to happen. And Jason makes a remark that I kinda found a little humorous saying, "I didn't think I smelled that bad."

    So now we move into James' and Abbi's first interaction. It's here I present some really wonky fucking dialogue.
    [​IMG]
    (this book was ten dollars by the way)

    Obviously the dialogue itself isn't very good, but the formatting is just- it's awful. It's terrible. There's a reason why authors make a new paragraph when changing who's speaking, it's so much easier to follow.

    Back on the story, but James sees how sad she looks about the hamster cage and decides he'll gamble on "fixing" her mood, so he suggests bringing his mom's vibrator (because that's going to make a chick laugh, I guess). But it works, so I look foolish for doubting him!

    Class ends, and James and Abbi separate. Abbi hands James a note with "NISEONE" written on it. This is a setup for something that makes no sense to Abbi's character, but whatever.

    School ends so James goes home on the bus because he's not feeling like skating. He gets on the bus and meets with his friend Davis.

    Davis is... Boy, I'm going to dedicate a whole paragraph to him here because he's a whole realm of bizarre. Davis is annoying, possibly autistic, and probably the worst character to exist in the whole book. He's an amalgamation of taking the entirety of unfunny GenZ zoomer humor. He exists for only one reason, and that's the reason to be a metaphorical blowup doll that sucks James' dick and prop up his already massive ego. And because of that, he's around in this book. What I'm saying is that Davis is your average Onision fan.

    James gets on the bus and sees Abbi with her boyfriend Seth, and then James gets all fuckin' mopey thinking "why can't I get that action. Why do all the MEN have to steal the pretty women!?" and then cries about it to Davis. Davis tells him he's amazing and proceeds to tell him he's the coolest person he knows. This prompts James to blow his load over Davis- I mean, all over the pages of this book.
    (the sex doesn't come until later, and don't worry, we'll cover that).

    James gets home and we find his mom is LITERALLY serving lentil beans. I say "literally" because that's how it is in the book. He's not super egregious with the word, but it gets used a few times, I think. I'll have to see as I go along with this.

    So James finishes dinner and goes into the shower. He tries to figure out what the fuck "NISEONE" even means, and then has an epiphany. He exclaims that he had figured it out and how it's actually Abbi's phone number. That's exactly what it is. This prompts me to wonder why make a puzzle out of it? Why not give the dude your number and just call it a day? You can't expect someone to figure out something like that, but I'm thinking way too far into this, and it's probably better I don't overthink any of this. It's a shit book written by a shitty person.

    Moving on, James dials the number into his house phone and is greeted by an older man's voice. It would be way funnier if Abbi gave him a number for a phone sex line for gay men, but instead it just turns out to be Abbi's dad, or so I assume.

    It's here we see another trait of James that becomes quite prevalent throughout the book: James seems to be a fucking mindreader or have some form of omnipotence.
    [​IMG]
    The line about him dropping the phone in front of her, as if he saw her dad do that. This is not the only time we'll see this. This is just how James is in the story.

    Ultimately, it ends with them deciding their art project for a zombie bear, and Abbi goes to bed. James is happy. That's it. End of Chapter 1.

    I left out a couple of details, like, how James seems to think of himself like an alien, come to observe the human race. The entire story is based around this, actually. His constant need to observe everyone and act as if the reader is retarded by telling us what we should think rather than make that conclusion ourselves. Pointing out very obvious details we could infer (as a terrible author very much would).

    I'll try and detail all of chapter 2 soon. I just did this because I'm in a hotel right now and I needed to take a break from writing my own shit, so I'm doing this instead.
     
    Last edited: May 15, 2021
  3. ToroidalBoat

    ToroidalBoat ¿qué?

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    It can't be as bad as "The World's Luckiest Guy" by A-Log, could it?
     
  4. Galhox Ladyankles

    Galhox Ladyankles Lady of the Library

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    Haven't ever read it. I'll probably look into it because I love awful literature.
     
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  5. ToroidalBoat

    ToroidalBoat ¿qué?

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    There's 2 whole threads by @c-no and @Fauna Fox on it here.

    (warning: it's fairly perverted)
     
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  6. Galhox Ladyankles

    Galhox Ladyankles Lady of the Library

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    I'll leave it to them. This book, however, I felt like doing something actually beneficial to discussion that wasn't just shitposting.
     
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  7. Ms. Mowz

    Ms. Mowz My likes mean absolutely nothing!

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    Oh god, The World's Luckiest Guy. That was genuinely one of the worst fanfics I have ever read, and that is quite an accomplishment to achieve. It wasn't even endearingly bad like My Immortal, My Inner Life, or Sonichu. Every chapter played out the exact same way, with all the exact same phrases such as "six inch fox dick" and "(erotically)" repeated over and over again ad nauseam. I just became progressively angrier the further I went, and by the end of it you could just tell by my comments that I was fucking done with it.
     
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  8. ToroidalBoat

    ToroidalBoat ¿qué?

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    That seems to be a recurring theme with lolcows.

    Also I guess that just as Dobson thought more lines always makes better art, lolcow writers think more words always makes a better story.

    [rates Feels]
     
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  9. Galhox Ladyankles

    Galhox Ladyankles Lady of the Library

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    I just read it a little before falling asleep last night. I'm shocked to say it's bad but not the worst thing I've ever read. Simply because The World's Luckiest Guy is just fanfic written by a mentally retarded person.
    The reason I chose Stones to Abbigale is because, while bad, I actually was entertained with how terrible it is, and the fact that it was sold for money made it so much worse to me. Not that I'm against self-publishing, but this is one of those books that only financially succeeded in any way is because of who the author was, not the quality of the book.
     
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  10. Ms. Mowz

    Ms. Mowz My likes mean absolutely nothing!

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    Doesn't help that author of said book is a well known douchebag (Onision).
     
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  11. Galhox Ladyankles

    Galhox Ladyankles Lady of the Library

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    That too. I'm sure people have talked about this story plenty, but I wanted to drop some sort of critique on it while taking a break from writing my own stuff.
     
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  12. Galhox Ladyankles

    Galhox Ladyankles Lady of the Library

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    Chapter 2: I Got the Shit Beaten Out of Me But At Least I Got a Girlfriend

    James is stopped in the hall by Mr. Hanson, saying that they need to talk. Mr. Hanson explains that he wants James to be his T.A. for him because even though he shows up late, he gets his work done "honestly and efficiently." This makes zero sense as we haven't really seen James interested in class or at school at all. Frankly, as I've sort of gone over, James constantly judges everyone around him as if that's the truth, and because this is Onision who wrote him, I guess it's true. James might as well be God if he's going to assume everything about everyone and that just so happens to be true.

    So, moving on, but James is told that he can swap to another elective and he'll be moved out of class. This terrifies him as he wants to hang around with Abbi in art class. Looking back on this, I don't think it ever occurred to Onion that lunch time is a thing for students. The guy is 32 years old and probably is so far removed from high school, he can't remember any of that shit.

    So James argues that he still has art class and rejects it entirely. This causes Mr. Hanson to get really mad.
    upload_2021-5-16_14-35-46.png
    upload_2021-5-16_14-35-57.png
    This bugs me because I don't think a history teacher could believably go off like this over anything involving art. It feels like it's a vague attempt to make us dislike this character because of he views the art world.

    Honestly, this whole sequence sort of comes out of left field and feels like it isn't necessary to the plot. The problem is, I've gone through this book at least ten times and I still can't tell you what the overall plot actually is. It's aimless, there's no real conflict that sets up the story to reach a satisfying conclusion, and ultimately feels like "moments in the day" as we follow someone on something. You can argue that similar stories have done this but those same stories probably also had something to convey to the reader.

    Moving on, as James pretty much is forced into the ordeal with no way out (though, again, why does losing art class mean he should care, he's got other ways to see Abbi, right?). He goes into Mr. Hanson's room and begins class. He remarks that it's "another useless history lesson on my home state of Washington," and I'm left wondering what is it about James that makes him a good student? He hasn't shown any form of care towards learning, so why is Mr. Hanson acting like he is? Oh right, I forgot who wrote this.

    So cut to art class, and Abbi isn't there. His mind is focused only on her as he cuts up the stuffed bear he brought in today. Once that's over, he goes to lunch. I think this is the only time he actually describes lunchtime, though I may be blanking.

    He tries to call Abbi on a payphone because his mom can't afford him a cell phone. I keep thinking this story takes place in the 90's or early 2000's because there's so little technology to date it. You could argue it's just because James is poor so there's no possible way he could own such nice stuff, but it's hard for me to say, honestly.

    James goes home and waits for Abbi to call him, but she never does. James' sister eventually takes the phone and he judges her endless for running he mouth. He falls asleep and we go to the next day.

    When he awakens, he pontificates on his phone and his alarm clock and how they're both useless because neither seem to go off as intended. I'd give him points for being clever but there's nothing really clever about it.

    It's raining outside so James hops on the bus. Davis is also on the bus and screams about how James is here to save the day. James smiles because his puppet, unlike the alarm clock or the phone, is working as intended.

    James is in history class and comments on how boring and awful it is. Again, this is the same guy who was told he was honest and efficient about his work in his class.

    So while history class is going, and everyone is bored (including the reader), Jason comes howling like a monkey and starts banging on the door. Mr. Hanson approaches it and asks Jason why he's making noise.
    Turns out Jason got kicked out, for some reason. It's whatever, I'll take it.

    However, as Jason is being a loud annoying dick, James tells him to fuck off, and I guess in an attack on a football jock's ego, James is now marked for death.
    upload_2021-5-16_14-57-42.png

    Jason then shows up and starts fucking with him, so James pushes him. Jason then throws down and eviscerates James. Unfortunately, he doesn't go far enough to end the story prematurely, so it just ends up with James having a chipped tooth and a black eye. James is pulled away by a guy named Matt who will eventually be mentioned again, but his character is never actually given any dialogue.

    Once the fight ends, James is in the school nurses office and prinicpal Leeman comes in to tell James he's going to be suspended. Since, I guess, James pushed Jason first, so he technically got physical. Jason was led off the campus and was suspended for 10 days. James is given a two day suspension and is told he'll get to finish out the day before being sent home.

    upload_2021-5-16_15-2-54.png
    ("...but your eyes still get become red, your body trembles & painfully hot tears still fall.)
    I remind you, again, this book was sold for ten dollars.

    Get used to those ampersands, because that shit is fucking constant.

    James cries about his suspension and goes home. Before getting on the bus, however, James finds Abbi with her boyfriend Seth in the school parking lot. This prompts our hero to go over and talk to her. He asks her if she was in art class today, even though he wasn't in there.
    Seth starts threatening him and James equates him to "being like a guard dog in a ghetto fenced yard."
    After an exchange that leads to Seth talking shit, Abbi goes up to James and sees his face is screwed up. Abbi's kind of retar- mentally handicapped so we'll let it slide.
    Seth is a massive edgelord and says that he'd have had Jason choking in his own blood, and then whips out a katana and a fedora, because he's just that much of an edgy dude. Abbi gets upset and calls him a sadistic freak. He loses his shit and says "AFTER ALL I'VE DONE FOR YOU, YOU'RE ENDING THIS AGAIN!?"

    Before storming off, James comments this gem.
    upload_2021-5-16_15-18-38.png
    (because he just knows that)

    but then goes off again with this later
    upload_2021-5-16_15-19-20.png
    James with that omnipotence again. He just knows what you're thinking just by the look in your eyes.

    So Seth the Edgelord storms off in his car, crying, probably. We'll see him again later, don't worry.

    James and Abbi walk home and it starts to rain. Reading this scene felt off to me because this is only like the second or third time these two have interacted. We haven't really gotten a feel for their relationship up to this point, aside from the fact that James is into her.

    The scene eventually leads to James seeing Abbi's makeup coming off to reveal that Abbi has been beaten.
    upload_2021-5-16_15-24-5.png
    Punished Abbi giving little to her dark past. Also "I see beautiful girl."

    So they hug, but aren't dating or something, and James heads home. The chapter ends.
     

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  13. Ms. Mowz

    Ms. Mowz My likes mean absolutely nothing!

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    Maybe this "Mr. Hanson" fellow is actually NBC Dateline's Chris Hanson waiting for the perfect to strike at James's pedo ass. This is Onision we're talking about, after all.
     
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  14. Galhox Ladyankles

    Galhox Ladyankles Lady of the Library

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    It's Chris Hansen in a fatsuit, clearly. To add to how bizarre this is, Onision changed his name "James" and one of his daughters is named "Abbigale."
    That looks really bad seeing as where this story is going to go.
     
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  15. Galhox Ladyankles

    Galhox Ladyankles Lady of the Library

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    Chapter 3: Wet Dreams and Email Addresses

    Okay, I've sort of relented from the snarkfest because the first few chapters are really, really hard to derive any humor from. It's mostly high school bullshit, which is really fucking boring. Things start ramping up as Onision started trying to write a love story but forgot what the "story" part needed. This entire book, I think, is just about a guy trying to get his dick wet after meeting some chick, and the events in his life that just kinda happen.

    So, we just watched as James made an attempt to get with a chick, and from here on, I'll just post the full pages and riff on it that way. I feel like it would be funnier to actually give people context instead of me just giving a play-by-play. I'll upload screenshots because I can't be assed to find a proper PDF to extract text from. I think that shouldn't be an issue.

    So, inspired by @c-no and @Fauna Fox I'm going to riff on this book with a lot more context to it.

    upload_2021-5-17_13-41-46.png

    So this chapter starts with a dream sequence. I feel like what always bugged me about this is that James never feels like he's really reacting to the dream so much as he's just explaining it. Especially when he just said how he's not normally a kind of person impacted by dreams. The dream doesn't even seem that dramatic, but that's more because of how our protagonist is reacting to it. Stuff like this can impact your reader if you're able to present it a certain way.
    And again, I know I keep saying that this book was sold for ten dollars, but, for fuck's sake, there's some blatant grammatical errors that stand out to me.
    His constant use of the word "violently" gets old real fast, too. For a guy who likes to use the most advanced words from a thesaurus, he certainly doesn't utilize it very well.
    And we're not even past the first page. This is going to take forever, ain't it?
    Last thing, and I swear, I'll get to the next page after this, but this fucking gem right here.
    That pretentiousness is glowing, my guy.

    upload_2021-5-17_14-11-12.png
    Run-on sentences that go on for too long are this book's specialty. Also, again, that omnipotence, becuase James just knows Abbi is feeling that way. I know it's a dream, but when you've gone through this book as much as I have, this pattern of thinking for other people is constant for this character. When it was described that he had a god complex by other critics, they weren't lying.
    Do you know how to construct a proper sentence? Being redundant doesn't make you look deep, it just makes you look fucking stupid.

    His dream, again, isn't very traumatic or very intense. Mostly because our emotional attachment to our protagonist isn't there at all. His dream just sorta ends. He wakes up and feels traumatized by just telling us. We don't see how it affects him. It's a rule in writing that you avoid "tell don't show."

    upload_2021-5-17_14-27-12.png
    So after he has this dream, James decides that the best course of action is to write her a letter.
    James has had a total of three interactions with this girl, and in those three, there's been no real growth or chemistry that we can see. It's at this point I needed to take a break from writing this riff and scream "holy fuck dude shut the fuck up, we get it!"
    James' whole letter hinges on him assuming everything about Abbi's life. His presence with her, as he even admitted, "brief." He doesn't know shit about her. Hell, we don't know shit about her, aside from the fact that she's got some emotional damage and bruises from being beaten. The problem is, we don't know her interests, or, for that matter, what James is into. We've been with this character this long in the story, and we don't know shit about him.
    Even more, it feels like the letter is about him, and not her. He feels the need to act as some white knight and save her from all this awful shit for his own self-fulfillment.
    upload_2021-5-17_14-45-38.png
    Another example of really poor fucking dialogue. Both in formatting and in actual dialogue. It's hard to describe but it feels like it just goes by too quick. With this format, you don't give a break or pause in who's talking, and it's fucking awful.
    Also, the fuck is a "Quick Shop"? And furthermore, how the fuck did you get her e-mail address?!

    MOVING ON, as we still have so much left to cover.
    James attempts to meet Abbi, and she's not there. He gets sad and skates back home.
    Ah, gee, you think? You think maybe that writing a letter like that might just come off as a little too weird?

    upload_2021-5-17_15-17-27.png
    So the chapter ends here. James feels bad and we'll see this nothingburger of a conflict finish in the next chapter. Sorry to spoil it, but it's plainly obvious that it will just work out predictably, because Onision sucks at actually investing time or effort into actually writing.
     

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  16. Ms. Mowz

    Ms. Mowz My likes mean absolutely nothing!

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    The underlying subtext of the book:
     
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  17. c-no

    c-no Dead Meme Internet Man

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    Onion boy loved covering himself with that cum butcha. Give him all the kum. Seriously though, I'm still wondering how this guy even got popular beyond that banana video he did. Also with what he says about the taste of kumbucha, I'm just gonna assume he taste actual piss before.

    Also I never thought I'd say it but I'd rather read more of A-Log's writings. Trying to at least read that chapter of the dream just felt like WORDS WORDS WORDS WORDS WORDS. Like seriously, a dream of people dying by giant blades just sounds so boring. I got better desriptions of dreams from a furry/fellow Kiwi Farmer (whose also tired of the sites autism) since those managed to be more engaging (such as his story of being in some mansion owned by a horse while trying to hide from some spooky ghost or something with a rabbit that was a velma knockoff). Say what you want about six inch fox dicks, Freudian slips, and fictional cartoon women, robot rape, and furry shit but at least A-Log's writing, bad as they were in formatting and the like, was more easy to follow than this. No joke, this story is hard for me to follow without constant mental breaks in wondering how much could James be a loveshy, incel (as in the actual shit and not the type of insult tards on the internet throw around like cuck), school shooter, edgelord to outmatch Not Important, average whiny emo goth teenage bitch of the 2000's, etc. Bad as A-Log was in his story, at least he wasn't hard to read.
     
  18. Galhox Ladyankles

    Galhox Ladyankles Lady of the Library

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    I've been away for a bit. I'll be sure to jump back into this soonish.
     
  19. Galhox Ladyankles

    Galhox Ladyankles Lady of the Library

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    Recent events have motivated me to come back to this, finally. It is both way too late and I am way too tired to be doing this, but I also wanted to try and get through this just a little just to motivate myself into finishing something.

    Chapter 4: How To Obtain a Broken GF



    So James comes back to school, and I wonder why it is he's thought of as a "good student" when he clearly doesn't give a shit about getting caught up on his schoolwork.
    Also it seems really weird to me that anyone cared enough to make fun of him after he got his ass kicked. Him getting his ass kicked earlier plays a pretty interesting role later, but not for any of the reasons you would think.

    Bro can you stop with the emo shit for at least a minute? We fucking got it already, you're worried about your potential fuckdol- I mean, your potential galpal. Totally that part. He really likes to dwell on this self-hatred thing as if it's a "flaw" in a character or something.

    And then we get to the stuffed bear: this is some forced symbolism that he wants to be a part of Abbi. Symbolism so forced and so surface level it pains me to think even Greg thought he was clever.

    Bro what

    You mean you just
    walked off of your school's campus?
    Can you do that? I thought staff were employed to make sure students didn't do that. He just does it. No one tries to stop him. This just kinda happens, and nothing ever comes of that.

    Oh for fuck's sake.
    "The wind itself was pushing me to her" is one of the stupidest fucking things I've read. And then tries to play it cool by writing "I felt like a fool thinking that."
    Fuck off with the self-loathing shit, bro. It's annoying, and you sound like a fucking broken record saying it constantly.

    I just noticed that there's no period between "she interrupted" and the next line of dialogue.

    But oh boy here we FUCKIN' GO, BOYS. CONFESSIONAL LOVE DIALOGUE. I LIVE FOR THIS SHIT.

    Also, lol, if James had social skills he'd probably be able to actually have a personality of his own instead of endlessly bitching about how he feels like an idiot all the time.

    And then Abbi starts crying over how she's not broken and how she's a totally strong wahmen who doesn't need no man.

    Right. So then right after, after telling James she's not broken, she says this.

    I mean, I get it, when we're fucked up, we try to lie to ourselves to get through the day, but I always feel like Greg wanted to get into this kind of exchange right away. Shit, how many interactions have these two had? This is our fourth fucking interaction and we're just getting into how Abbi is broken and fucked up and has all this horrible shit happening to her.

    I stress on this because in good writing, we at least get why we got to this point. The reader and our protagonist would probably pick up little bits of info to show why she's damaged, but nah, fuck that, James just knows what's up, don't question it. I still don't fucking know why James is so interested in this girl because I know nothing about her or anything she's done aside from having some sooper dark mistereeous passsst yo.
    Before I forget, because I'm thinking of it now, I don't think we ever get Abbi's last name. Sounds like a major oversight on Greg's part.

    All of this, and, of course, Greg just tells all this bullshit to us as if we should care. I don't. I don't care if Abbi was "violated" or that her mother left her. This information is only there to show how broken she is as a person. The part about her mother especially never gets revisited down the line, even when it potentially could be neat to explore that.

    And the chapter ends. James just uses words thinking that will outright fix anything. It's frustrating as a reader because this really feels like Greg just watched a bunch of anime that involved stuff like this, and feels like it borrows heavily from cliched love scenes that everyone has seen fucking countless times before. It's old, overdone, and Greg especially brings nothing new or interesting. The word I'd use to describe this book, but this chapter especially is "rushed."
    Greg wanted so hard to have all those beats of things I think he likes in a story, but fails to put the time or care into what makes those stories good.
    And trust me, as we go forward, things are going to get nuttier. It's been a slow start, but a few chapters from now, we're going to be diving into some fucking strange shit.
    'Til next time, fuckers, it's Galhox out.
     
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  20. ToroidalBoat

    ToroidalBoat ¿qué?

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    wow

    what a boring book :confused:
     
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